Hiya guys! How’s your weekend been so far? Hopefully you’ve had a lot more fun than I did…! *lol* Actually, it wasn’t too bad, it was just… Okay, I had the guy come over to take a look at the extractor fan in the bathroom early Saturday morning, he was there for like… Less than 5 minutes, I left him to take a look, and he came out and said, “you need a new fan”. So. He said he’ll have to get one but doesn’t know when he’ll have time to come back. He said he’ll send me a text (yeah… I had to give him my mobile phone number. *sighs* I wrote it down on a sticky note pad and wrote underneath the number “text only”, because people still think they call give a deaf person a phone call…) when he get the fan and know when he could probably come. So far, I haven’t had a text from him.
I can only hope that he’ll be able to get a fan and fix it next weekend or something. And then I can forget all about that fan.
My parents came up today, and my dad brought with them a mallet that he owned, so I was able to put the plastic feet on the bed. (I was gonna go out and buy a mallet myself, but they told me not to bother, since I won’t use it for anything else but that, and since they got one themselves… Yeah.) That’s more or less done, but he also thought that because it’s cheap, it might be worth him putting some extra wooden supports in (there’s like… two wooden planks going across the width of the bed apart from the standard ends…) So… Potentially sometimes later this month, he’s going to do some DIY. I wouldn’t even attempt to do something like that. Putting a flat pack together is one thing, but actually putting something else in entirely… Yeah, no. Still, if it means that the bed will be a bit more secure, I could probably sleep a bit better without worrying if it’s gonna break down while I’m sleeping in it. *lol* (Yeah, yeah, I know it’s a bit paranoid because I know people heavier than me have slept in beds like those before and it’s fine for them! But that’s just the way I am…)
I am kind of a little paranoid about things like that. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes I do get kind of thinking about whether this will happen or that will happen. I think it might be a side-effect of the depression attacks that I’ve had over the years… Hmm…
I’ve started reading a new book I bought on Friday, called “Am I Normal Yet?”, written by Holly Bourne. I picked it up because I wanted to read something a little bit more… Well… Due to the levels of depression and everything that I’ve had in the past, I’ve had to throw out a large numbers of books and DVDs that could potentially trigger something in me. This book is about a 16yo girl (yes, it’s a Young Adult book) who’ve had mental problems herself – although, in her case (from the little I’ve read so far), it’s OCD rather than depression. Anyway… Because I’m feeling much better than I can remember feeling like for… I don’t even know how long it’s been. But yeah. Since I’m feeling better, I wanted to try and see if I could read something like that without it triggering a reaction in me. I may not like it – like I said, I’ve only read a few pages so far – but if I can read it and still feel the same afterwards then hopefully that will means I won’t have to really look into whatever book X or film Y or tv show Z is about before I read / watch it.
That’s not to say that I won’t have to be careful any more, but it would means that I can just relax a little bit more about it. I definitely won’t be able to watch or read anything that can cause these kind of severe triggers reactions, but if I can cope with something not quite so heavy as they could be (ie, like a young adult’s book), then that’d be good.
We will see, anyway.
And am I “normal” myself? *lol* Nope! The thing is, I think most of us either suffers or knows someone who suffers with some kind of mental illness. In my case, it’s severe depression. Others will have something different – OCD, whatever. But it’s only been in recent years that people are starting to treat these forms of mental illnesses as something that is actually a serious thing, rather than a “Oh, suck it up, get over yourself” kind of thing. And yes, I have had that reaction myself in the past, even people who know me very well have said that – and let me tell you, that’s… REALLY not a good thing to say. I won’t deny that in some cases, it might be right, but for most of us, me included… All that will do is make us feel like you don’t understand us, and we’ll feel even more introverted and excluded, because we can’t even talk about our mental health problems with you. And sometimes, all we really need is a friend that we can just talk to. Doesn’t even have to be about our mental health, just being able to be with you and talk… Trust me, for someone who suffered (and I hope to keep it at “suffered”) from severe depression, that feeling of having someone right there does a lot, if we can be totally relaxed around them, knowing they’re not judging us or thinking we’d have to suck it up, just them being understanding and there with us.
I’ve had to go and see psychologists for a number of sessions at times in the past. In fact, the last time that happened, I had to also talk to the manager at the work place I was at at the time, and ask him for kind of like special dispensation to take one afternoon off every week for… I think it ended up 10 weeks straight, and then we started spreading it out a bit more. Thankfully, the manager was understanding and I was able to have the special dispensation.
(Of course, soon after I started feeling a little bit better, the company went through some trouble and had to go through a course of redundancies and I was one of those made redundant… *dry laugh* Never mind. I can’t really blame the company for laying me off and it wasn’t anything to do with the depression, it was just where my skill level was in comparison with others.)
Anyway… The honest truth is, I don’t ever think I will be completely free of the need to look at some things and say “Sorry, I don’t think I could read/watch that, it would cause a trigger reaction in me”, but what I’m aiming to do is to get myself to a level where I can either manage that part of myself that get down and depressed or, better yet, to a level where I can almost go through life without having to worry about sinking back down to depression. Or both.
I’m definitely not at that level yet, but I’m certainly a whole lot better than I used to be. Of course, I know that from next month, it’ll be Autumn and that means it’s creeping closer to winter, and I do have S.A.D. so… Yeah. Definitely not counting chickens or anything.
My first aim is to try and keep myself a little bit more relaxed. I know it’s summer, I know the sun’s still up after 8pm, but – remember I said I had this paranoid part of me? This is part of it. It’s August right now. In a couple of months’ time, the sun is gonna be setting in the early evenings, and sometimes it’s all I can do to stop myself from freaking out about it. I need that sunlight. That’s part of why I hate having to work in an office from 9-5 (Okay, 8-4:30 in my case), because you’re more or less stuck in the building all day long. You can’t just… walk out of the building and just take in the daylight, clouds or not. (Well… Ironically, this is probably the only benefit smokers get. I don’t smoke – I hate the thought of what it would do to my lungs and all, not to mention the stink – but you do see them just popping out every now and then to take a puff… So they get more sun than non-smokers do… *smh*)
So… Yeah. That’s part of why I hate winter so much. I get S.A.D. and all. I have a very good lightbox at my place, and I use it pretty much every day in winter (mornings and evenings), and I’m considering getting a smaller one for work as well (if I could find a spare plug socket near the desk where I work anyway…) to try and help me. But the main thing I absolutely need to do is stop myself from freaking out. I shouldn’t be worried about what’s gonna happens in October or November while it’s summer, I should be trying to enjoy the sun and everything as much as possible right now and try and relax and not let it affect me right now. That’s the part of the paranoid that I really need to try and control better.
If I can do that, then hopefully that will also lead to my being able to control my S.A.D. and that, in turn, will lessen the impact on my mental health over the winter.
One of the things that we can do is to try and do something to distract ourselves – at least, that’s one of the things that I always found could be a help. And one of the things that I find that helps is by putting together some Lego stuff – yes, I admit it, I’m an AFOL. *lol* I was never that interested in Lego when I was a young girl, I don’t remember what they had in terms of Lego sets out there, but I know my brothers had like these Star Wars sets or something, I don’t know. Definitely something spacey, and I just was bleh about it all. There was just too much grey for my liking! *hee* If I had something, I want that something to have colour in it. I want greens and purples and yellows and reds and blues and everything!
Anyway… I was fed up of reading books and watching the same DVDs over and over again, and I needed something to distract me, so I was wandering around the shops, and popping into toy shops as well, just thinking maybe I’ll find a simple board game or something, and then as I was walking past the Lego stuff, I suddenly started thinking, well, wait a moment… This could be something that I could maybe do. I means, it’s not something that’s gonna be too difficult, but it’s something that I could do with my hands, maybe have the telly on in the background, and… Yeah. It could be a good distraction. So, I bought a couple of Scooby Doos set (because I loved Scooby Doo as a girl, and the Scooby Doo sets I’d bought had a nice mix of colours) and tried it out… Enjoyed it, so bought the other in the set and put those together. Then I started looking around for other sets to put together, and settled on the Lego Elves sets. Thankfully, I was able to get all the 2015 Elves sets (including the polybag one) and I’ve ordered the 2016 Elves sets now. Yes, all of them. I’d been holding off because I was hoping to get the Sira polybag for free from the Lego website, but no… They seems to think people wanted DC Comics characters. So… Bleh. I found the Sira elsewhere. Bit more expensive than it should be, but at least I’ll be getting it so… *shrugs* Yeah.
I did consider the Friends sets, but, from what I’d seen online, it’s been out and about for a while, and I’m one of those that, if I bought something that belongs to a group of a set, I’d be wanting to get all the others as well. Besides, I think I’d made the right choice with Elves – it appeals to me, nice and bright and colourful, and it also appeals to my imaginative part that want fantasy and adventure and the like. *hee*
The main aim I have for the rest of the year is to keep myself up so that when it comes to next Spring (this is kind of like medium-term aim I’m talking about here), I’ll be in a much better mood, and if I can do that, then I’ll be better capable of getting on with things and doing things over the year, instead of having to battle my mental health problems. And one of the things that I’m hoping to do that will help me with that is by continuing with my writings and everything – again, medium-term aim, by next Spring, I’m hoping to have done a lot more work with Yore! and the board game that I’ve been playing around with, written a couple of video games guides (for myself – I have no intention of putting them on GameFAQs or anything like that) and have written at least a first draft for a couple of stories and gotten one story up to a level that I think I could start looking into getting published or whatever.
But that second medium-term aim will only be possible if I can keep myself up. So… Yeah. I’m still constantly working on improving my own mental health, and this blog is part of what I’m using to help myself – and I hope you guys are also happy to keep reading it!
Okay… I probably wrote more than I intended to about my depression and everything, but hey… This is part of me, and this is my blog, so… Yeah. The important thing is to try and keep myself going and hopefully everything will work out.
Hope you guys are fine and I’ll write again soon!