Tag Archive for writings

I’m back!


Yep, I’m back, and better than before! *lol*

Okay, okay, I guess I owe you an explanation as to why I’ve not been posting for a couple weeks or so… The honest truth is, after I got made redundant (yeah, unfortunately, it was confirmed that I was one of the ones to be made redundant… *shrugs*), I just felt… tired, in fact, I was exhausted. I guess all the emotions over the preceding weeks, plus the fact that I’d been working more or less flat out at the company and everything (despite them saying they didn’t have any work… *rolls eyes*), and – despite the fact that I was bracing for it and all – I was also feeling a little down. Not depressed down, just down.

And when I tried to write – you know, take advantage of the extra time I now have and all – I found I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think. That, despite the fact that I know I have like whole chunks of the story in my mind ready to put to paper… *smh*

So… After a day of this, I sat and thought to myself, what’s the best thing to do? Well… Maybe the best thing to do would be to more or less take a total break from everything. At least a weekend break, or a week, if necessary (as it turned out, it was just over a week), just relax, play games without taking it seriously (and by that, I means, just play games without thinking about what to do further down the line in the game – so I was playing games like Dragon Quest Builders and all I was doing was just exploring and seeing what I can do and everything. I wasn’t really thinking about the quests or anything like that. I means, yes, I know I was supposed to, but… *grins*), read comics (or even binge-read some of the comics – like Fine Sometimes Rain and so on), anything, just give the brain a complete break from everything.

And it worked. I feels completely recharged and I’m getting on with things now. I’m also – having checked out some of the sites that’s all about how to keep yourself motivated – using some of the suggestions mentioned to help keep me going (because I know how easy it would be for me to slip back into old habits, and that’s something I dun ever want to do…)

So, what’s the plan moving forward? Well… I’ve got a house that I’m still buying and moving into in the next month or so (I know, I know… I was gonna withdraw from the purchase, but after talking it through with parents and all, it turned out that if I withdrew, I’d not only have to pay for what we’ve done already, but job centres, etc, would be expecting me to use the deposit money that parents gave me explicitly for the house to keep myself alive, etc, before they’d give me any benefits… And, yet, somehow, other people seems to have no problems getting paid more money on benefits than I’ve ever earned in a year… *smh*)

Anyway… Parents are going to help with cost of mortgage repayments until I get a job, after which I will be paying them back as well as paying off the mortgage myself.

I think their expectation is that I will be able to find another IT job (haha) but we’ll see. *shrugs* I dun expect to, but I will look for one, along other jobs that I think I could do. In the meantime, the plan is to spend as much of my time as possible (when not job hunting or replying to e-mails or anything like that) writing, and trying to look into putting myself out there for freelance writing, if I can do that.

I am certainly planning to focus on my stories, on Yore! stuff, and so on. All the stuff that I’ve been telling myself that I’m gonna do. Well, I’ve got time now, and I’m getting on with it!

I was down for a while after being made redundant and everything else, but now I’m back, I feel better, and I’m writing and doing everything that I wanna do. I just hope that by the end of it all, I’ll have a lot to show for it – I’m certainly praying for it! 😀

See you soon!

Had some bad news…

Heya… So, if you follow me on Twitter, you’ll have noticed that I received some bad news yesterday (Monday). Basically, the company I works for have announced that they’re gonna go through yet another round of redundancies, including more restructing of the development team. Considering that the team has shrunk from over 20 people to something like 8 (including managers), well… Yeah.

(By the way, I apologise in advance for this being a bit of a whinging post. I know many people have had it much worse than me but… I just wanna moan and let off steam! And then hopefully I can get looking into other options and moving forward with whatever I’m gonna do.)

My honest suspicion is that they are planning to merge the development team into the operation team (the team that does the front-line stuff), and if that’s the case… I can imagine that with the exception of the managers (of course they’ll be safe, they always are *rolls eyes*) – which means it’s down to the 6 of us – they’ll maybe keep one or two of us. And if that’s the case… I can think of 4 of those 6 who’ll be ahead of me in the line to stay on. And three of those people are long-timers so… Yeah. I can see maybe one of them voluntarily leaving, but all three? No.

Quite honestly… I’m sick of the whole IT thing. This is gonna be my third redundancy of three IT jobs, and every single time, I’m out of work for ages before I can get another job – I have so much going against me when it comes to trying to get a new job, not least of all the fact that I’m deaf. Try explaining to people that being deaf does not affect my general ability to do the job, all it means is I can’t hear as well as others, and I can’t use the phone and people still run away screaming. *smh* *sighs* And when you add to that the fact that I’ve been suffering from depression and everything all those other times… I just dun want to go back to that. And I dun want to be in that vicious circle anymore of being out of work for ages before landing a job for a year or so before being made redundant again. *smh*

What I was hoping for was to stay in this job for another year or two until I can get something sorted out with my writings and everything else, and then maybe start moving towards a different future with my writings, but as is… *shrugs*

I need to be careful. I’ve been thinking about this for ages, and I’ve spoken about leaving IT behind me permanently – I’ve often said that I felt like this would be my last IT job – and I genuinely do have the feeling that I can make a good go of being a writer, and earning something with that – I’m not sure if it’ll be enough to live on, but certainly something. And when I look at myself, and think about it – you know, like how people get those feeling that “this is the right thing to do” and all that? Well… I’ve got that feeling about myself and getting into writing more seriously.

Whatever style of writing that is, I don’t know. Ideally, definitely creative, writing stories and the like, but that’s… As many people will tell you, for every top writer out that that everyone knows about, there’s like a million that only sells a few copies. So, while I’m still gonna try and write stories and everything, I’m not gonna pin all my hopes on that. There’s other styles of writing out there, it’s just a question of finding the right one.

…The problem is, I honestly have no idea how I’m gonna get into it. I don’t really know anyone who knows anything about writing – I means, I know some people who are in the creative arts, but I dun feel like I could really go and ask them for help and information. Hmm. I need to look around online and see if I can find some websites that’ll help me to work out how to go forward with that.

If you do have any ideas or suggestions, please, feel free to drop me a message on twitter or whatever, I will totally appreciate it!

The one thing I’m determined to do, though, is not to let this affect me. Even if I have to go and stack shelves in a shop or whatever, I’m not gonna let this almost-certain redundancy affect me like the other times. Instead, I’m gonna treat it as an opportunity to actually get on with writing and everything else, and figuring out a new path forward for me.

I just have to hope and pray that, whatever happens… I’ll come through this in a much better place than before. It is gonna be tough, but… Yeah.

Regarding the house… Well, I’ve not heard anything, and I might lose a bit of the deposit money on fees and the like, but – despite what my parents have told me about helping me (and I really don’t want to do that – I don’t want to end up losing my parents money as well as mine. I’d rather that all mistakes are mine and only affects me) – the chances of me moving out and getting in there are now a lot more remote than they were on Sunday. But I haven’t said anything to the solicitors yet, because… Well, something might change and I might still be in a job (Dun get me wrong – I estimate my percentage chance of staying in the job to be less than 1%) after this.

But… Yeah. Whatever happens… I just gotta keep going and hope and pray that things will work out. I just know I’m tired of never being able to plan for the future or anything. May the future be different for me, and I can do what I really want to do, and be able to work for the present and eventually really plan for the future.

Finished Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney!

Heya guys! How goes the weekend? Hopefully, you’re enjoying your time and relaxing and everything else.

Me… I’ve been relaxing and gaming a lot. I’d just finished playing Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. Yes, as in just completed the whole game on the DS. I did mention before I do have this, umm… habit of buying lots of games with the intention of playing them, but I honestly have to admit, there are far, far more games on the shelves that I’ve only barely stratched the surface of than those that I’ve actually played and completed. *hee*

But I’m trying! I may still be buying loads of games, but I’m trying to make sure that I give every one a proper playthrough. Some, I may never be able to complete every single one of them – there are some games that I have, of certain genres that I know I’m not very good at, so the chances of me actually finishing them are… low. But that doesn’t means I’m not gonna try and do them!

If it turns out I can’t… *shrugs* Oh well. Just move on. Either that, or hope my hypothetical future girlfriend will be a gaming wizard! I’d definitely be there to watch her breeze through the toughest obstacles, give her heart eyes and go, “OH WOW! YOU’RE SO BRILLIANT! I LOVE YOU!” *hee*

The hardest games that I’ve got, actually – well, unless you count the Spectrum games, of course – are probably gonna be those from an earlier generation. Mostly because the graphics will be a bit difficult for those that are used to today’s high-definition graphics. Imagine going back to playing a PS1 game these days. I means, Koudelka, for example. I keep meaning to properly play that, and I keep stopping for whatever reason after the second boss monster, for some reason. Course, it doesn’t help that the cutscenes dun have subtitles, so I’m more or less reduced to reading walkthroughs to know what they’ve actually been talking about. For example… Hmm… Okay, near the beginning of the game, Koudelka and Edward meet this couple and Edward ate up some soup. Afterwards, according to what I read, Koudelka tells Edward that the soup was poisoned. First time I saw it, I had absolutely no idea what was going on.

…I sometimes wonder if that’s why I kind of stopped playing it back then. It’s not really fun if you don’t know the whole story and gotta rely on guides to tell you what’s going on. Again, guess I just need someone to watch and tell me afterwards…?

And dun even get me started on any hope of completing the Souls games. I do have them, but I am under no illusion that I will ever be able to complete those…!

Anyway~~~! Like I say, I’ve just finished playing Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney, and right now I’m debating what to play next… Hmm… I think it’s gonna be an RPG on one of the consoles. I keep wanting to go back to Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel, or maybe I’ll play something else first… Hmm… As well as that, I might try and have a handheld game going on at the same time. I do have more than a fair few games that I wanna try and do more of, you know…!

I’m just glancing through the shelves… I keep changing my mind what’s to play next! *grins* I’ll pick one (well, okay, two…) soon enough and try to stick to them! 😀

Oh, one more thing… I dun think it will come as any surprise to anyone, really, but I’ve decided that I’m just not gonna bother with reviews. Imma gonna stick to general blogging, talking about events that are happening in the world, and creative writings. Reason is, I just dun feel like that whatever I write in term of reviews are actually all that good, and it’s sometimes a bit of a struggle trying to think of enough to write about while focusing on one specific subject, like a game or a book or something. I’d much rather have that freedom to just write about anything and everything I wanna write about, and what I actually think about. Having to drag that back to restrict myself to a single topic just dun work for me. (I know that seems kinda odd, seeing as how I’m a writer, but when I’m writing stories, it’s not the same as trying to stick to a single topic… I could be writing about anything, after all.)

That doesn’t necessary means that there won’t be any reviews any more, it just won’t be coming from me. I said right at the start, and I still means it, that should there be anyone else that wanna come in, or come back, and start writing and posting and everything… I’m more than happy for them to do so.

And if you’re reading this, and you’re thinking you wouldn’t mind writing and blogging and all on this site yourself – and, of course, that either myself or Heavenly knows you reasonably well (we dun want to take the risk of someone coming in and then start posting stuff either of us wouldn’t want our site to be associated with, after all…) – please do let us know. For those that I know, I can’t guarantee, of course, that you’d be able to start writing and posting on here – it is more up to Heavenly than me, after all – but I would certainly put in a word and see what she’d say.

The only thing I would strongly suggest if you’re thinking about it is that you take your time and think about it. Basically, ask yourself two questions: 1) Would you be able to keep coming back week after week and making new posts? And 2) How often you think you would be able to do that? Once a week? Every fortnight? What I dun want to do is suggest someone gets added to the site, then find out that they’ve posted once or twice in the first week and then just forgets all about it.

And I had to think about it seriously myself, before I started posting on here. I sat on the idea for over a month, that of having a blog, before I made the commitment, because I wanted to make sure that I would be fine with the idea of posting at least twice a week typically (although more often than not, that turns into three-four times a week), and that I would be able to stick at it, being able to come back and keep on blogging as the weeks and months passed.

So… Yeah. Obviously, if you’ve already got an account and want to keep blogging, go right ahead. If you want to join and get blogging yourself… Just let us know! But we will be wanting you to make sure, and we will want one of us to know you well enough! 😀

Okay… Gonna go and look at the shelves a bit more and try and decide. In the meantime, hope you guys are doing great, and that all your gaming is going much much more swimmingly than mine does!

Can’t sleep again, so writing this…

Heya guys! How goes things? Me… Hmm… Well, I’m not in the best of moods, and it’s 1am here. Yeah. I’ve been trying to get to sleep, and I can’t. Joy(!) *smh* I am seriously gonna have to sort out my sleeping patterns, I’m telling you.

So, why am I not in the best of moods? Well… A few things, really. And I should point out / mention this is gonna be a bit of a “me just whinging” post. *hee* We all occasionally need to let off steam from time to time, don’t we? *grins*

But yeah. Let’s see… Well, first off, the smallest stuff, but probably currently the one that takes up most of my time. Work. I know, I know… I’ve spoken about it before, but for most of the day, I’ve been struggling to get myself to grips with how PGP and SFTP and everything else works. Basically, without giving any specific details away, I’ve been tasked with automating an extract from the database, get it into a CSV file, encrypt it, and put it up on the SFTP location for the other party to pick up. As it were.

Well… The extract itself to the CSV is fine, pretty easy stuff, did it in a couple or so hours. I’ve done the SQL code and tested it and I’m fairly certain that part all works fine. It’s the encryption and putting it on the SFTP site that’s got me all messed up. I seriously think I have a massive mental block when it comes to doing things like that. It doesn’t help that there’s no documentation or anything for doing this either. I just… I dunno.

SQL coding, reports, excel spreadsheets with VBAs and all that… I can do all that, but I just can’t get to grip with encryption and FTPing. I still struggle to get to grip with the .NET programs other people in the company had written. Mainly because they’re all freaking DLLs or something like that. *sighs* And I know it doesn’t make sense. I’ve put together Excel reports with VBA code, and most of the code written for DLLs and the like is in VB.NET (although people are still taking about moving it to C#).

And I took free online courses to self-teach myself C# last year and I was doing them absolutely fine……. because they’re all freaking stand-alone code and I could see what I was doing, I could run them and watch the outcome. Can’t do that with DLLs or whatever, can I? *smh*

I guess it’s because it’s all interconnected. With SQL, Reports (Crystal Reports or SSRS), Excel, whatever, it’s all in one particular package, as it were. Even when I link reports to SQL, in my mind I’m doing SQL, getting the necessary data, using views or whatever, and that data get brought into the report package, and I play around with the report to get the data I want it to do. Just keeping it as simple as possible, and there’s two distinctive steps.

But the things that I’m being asked to do, with .NET and PGP and SFTP and all that… It’s all spread out all over the place, and I can’t really… track it. I just get lost. *sighs*

I’ve noticed that a long time ago, to be honest, and maybe I should’ve tried to do something back then, but now… *shakes head* Like I said, any real interest I had in IT development work had gone. If I could, I would genuinely quit the job, leave IT completely, and just focus on writing. But unfortunately… That’s not possible right now. Unless I win the lottery or something!

And I have no idea how to sort it out. I may have to just come right out and tell people that I find this sort of thing hard to follow. :/ Which is not gonna be a good thing. I means, having to come out and say, “I’m sorry, I can’t work out how to do this bit…”

Yeah, I know I’m probably making a mountain out of nothing, but… I always feel like people are watching me, and waiting for me to slip up. Paranoid, I know, but I always feels like I have to do more than others at my level… Probably because I’m black, female, and deaf. *smh* *sighs*

…Yeah, I do get stressed out about it, that’s one of the main reasons why I want to get out of IT development and everything.

*sighs* I dunno.

At least with writing stories and the like… I know what I can do, and every time I read my stories and everything else, I’m always thinking of how to improve it and everything. For example, I’ve been re-reading the whole “Sunny and Shells” story, and while I’m still happy with it – especially since it was basically a complete first draft and all! – I can see places where there’s glaring omissions, I can see places that doesn’t fit right, or flow right, that kind of thing, I can see places where I think I ought to write more about, fill in the gaps, and so on. I can see a whole bunch of different things where I’m thinking about, “When I get round to the second draft, this is what I will do…” And it’s just… When I’m in the right place, mentally, it just flows for me. Like it is now. I’ve already got, like, a second draft mapped out in my head, which would probably be twice or three times as long as that first draft is (which ended up being around 11,000 words).

And it’s just… effortless. It feels right. It feels like this is what I’m supposed to be doing. IT development, on the other hand, just doesn’t feel right for me, and hasn’t for… I dunno, ages! I can’t remember the last time it just flowed for me.

And there’s the dilemma. People say you should always follow the path that feels right to you, even if it pays less or whatever – and honestly, like I say, I would glad quit IT development work and write, even if I earn less money than I would in IT development, if I thought I could, I would so gladly quit my job right now. But, at the moment… I don’t have a way forward with my writings outside of this site. I don’t even have an editor or agent or whatever writers are supposed to have. I did use to have a friend who’s kind of like my editor, but despite sending e-mails to her a couple months ago, I’ve not heard from her, so… I’m kind of thinking that the depression attacks I’ve had had finally pushed her away from me. 🙁 I’m still waiting until the end of the year, like I said in one of my e-mails, but… *shakes head* I’m not really holding out any hope any more. And I really really miss her. She was an absolutely wonderful friend and I loved spending time with her.

So… Yeah. Stuck in a job I dun like, I wanna write but I dun have a way forward for doing so. *lol* *sighs* I’m sure some of you that are reading this are screaming at the screen, saying it’s obvious, but I can’t see it!

Talking about the whole depression thing… There was this lady at work (which, I admit, I used to fancy, she’s an absolutely lovely lady and she always gave time for me. Sadly, she’s straight and she’s living with her boyfriend (might be fiancee now) so there was nothing going on there…), and we did use to send each other e-mails – not as often as I’d like, but I had this feeling that had we continued that way, we would’ve been good friends. And I very rarely get into the situation where I could make friends with anyone from work.

But then one of my depression attacks kicked in and, at that time, I was feeling… particularly self-destructive, and part of what I was saying to myself back then is why would anyone want to talk to me? Anyone that did was obviously doing so out of pity or worse than that. And that included that lady at work. So, I started getting more and more withdrawn and I wouldn’t talk or even look at anyone. I’m pretty sure she noticed because she soon stopped looking in my direction and smiling (we never sat at the same group of desks, but we did use to be sitting within sight of each other), but at that time, I didn’t care.

*shrugs* Depression, I tell you…

…Anyway, long story short, she left the company yesterday (Monday). I did send her an e-mail to tell her that she will be massively missed, and that I wish her good luck in her job and that I hope that life will brings her what she deserves, which is the very best that life has to offer. Because she is genuinely nice and lovely. And she did reply, saying thanks and all that. Which is nice of her.

We’re not staying in touch, though. Again, my depression attacks basically pushed her away before we could actually become good friends. And she doesn’t know about this site either so there’s no chance she’s gonna see this, but… I kind of want to put it out there:

Kelly, I’m sorry that I never told you about what was going on, and when I started getting better, I really did want to tell you, but by then I just felt like any chance we had of being friends was gone, so I didn’t really feel like I could say anything. But it was definitely absolutely nothing to do with you. You’ve never been anything less than wonderful to me. It was totally all me. Sorry, Kels. Definitely gonna miss you.

Okay… It’s now getting up to 2am. Imma gonna stop here now, and I’ll write again soon! Hope things are going much, much better for you!

Dreaming of stories…

Heya guys! How goes things? I’m just glad it’s the weekend here. The week at work has been… not much fun. *smh* Nothing major bad, it’s just stressful, and I think I’ve been getting a little irritated and annoyed at people. *crosses arms* I means, yeah, it’s really annoying when people keep bringing up problems that are nothing to do with the code work that I’ve actually done, and expects me to fix them, even though they’ve been there for years, or when they keep changing the goalposts by saying, “Oh, you’ve got to do this as well…” *sighs*

I know… Who’d be a developer, eh?? *lol* At least, when I’m writing, I’ve only got to worry about what I think of it and – when I get the opportunity – what my editor will think of it when she’s bringing out her red pen and making lots of scribbling on my work… *lol*

…I don’t really know if I have an editor anymore, actually. I did have one arranged but the last time I sent her anything was more than a year ago, and the last time I heard from her was also more than a year ago. I did write to her recently – she was my friend first so it was a natural step for me to ask her if she’d like to be my editor (it’s so much easier for me to have someone that I know and trust and love to do whatever work’s required, and is far less stressful for me than having to go and talk to someone I don’t know to ask them to cast their critical eye over my work. And dun even get me started about thinking about finding an agent or whatever, even if I ever need to get one…) – but I hadn’t heard from her. I wouldn’t mind so much if she didn’t want to be my editor anymore, I’m more worried about her as a friend.

When it comes to me, my friends are my friends first, and whatever they do or can do is a very distant second. I’ve got a friend who’s a webmistress, and if I ever did get my stories and the like out and all, she would be my first choice to design and maintain any websites for me. Likewise, I used to know a couple of people who were artists, and they would’ve been my first choice if I got to the stage where I’d like artwork for the stories. But they would always be my friend first and foremost.

…*sighs* I guess I’ve done all I can do, really. It’s up to her to reply and all. If not… *shrugs* Guess my depression problems lost me another one. I can’t really blame her, though. It’s never an easy thing to do, sitting there and hoping I’ll pull through.

I would’ve loved to have heard her viewpoint on “Cherise” and “Temptation”, though. Plus some of the other stuff that I’ve written… And that reminds me. I said on Twitter yesterday that I had a dream about an apocalyptic future, which is sci-fi based. Well… I’m still putting it together – the main thing I’m trying to do is kind of make it a little less bleak, and put in something a little more personal than just letting it stand as it came to me in my dream. It’s still gonna be a pretty dark setting, though.

…Which is why I’m definitely not gonna do anything more with it once I put it up sometimes later today. *shakes head* I am definitely not a sci-fi writer, all my writings has been fantasy-based, and lately more focused on the interpersonal relationships between people, be it friends or lovers or whatever. And my stories, despite the emotions that they have in places, I’d prefer to keep them light and (hopefully!) easy to read. I’m not one that can put up with dark stories, sorry.

Does that means the story’s up for grabs? Uhh… Well, contact me if you want, and we’ll talk about it. But bearing in mind it came from a dream, and dreams tends to be based on what we’ve seen and experienced and all (if a little bit more fantastical – I definitely don’t remember seeing a toy shop constructed out of giant red girders, for example (another dream some time ago)), it’s entirely possible that the dream could be a massive mash-up of different sci-fi stuff that I’ve seen on the TV, or read somewhere, and all. Which means some of it might need to be changed a little bit. *grins*

The toy shop constructed out of red girders? That was just a brief snapshot of a dream. It was like… It was dark outside, but you could still see the green grass surrounding the building (no pathways or anything), and there was like… those massive red girders being the structure, and there was glass in between girders. So it was a fully built shop and everything. Except that there wasn’t any entrance / exit, or even an area where you’d buy the toys. And there was every kind of toys there. Including those that were nothing more than children’s pipe dreams.

But despite everything looking so new and all the toys looking so nice and pristine, it was dark (even accounting for the time of day), and lonely. There wasn’t anyone else there, and none of the toys had been taken out of their packaging and played with.

…*lol* I know, I do seems to have fairly dark dreams, don’t I?? Nothing ever happened in that toy shop dream, and I did write the above down back when I had it, but… Hmm… Not sure if I’d want to make anything more of it. At least with that, I’ve got a few ideas to expand that out somewhat. For instance, it could be a ghost story – for children who died young, and who never had the chance to see the toys. But because they can’t touch them (their hands will just go straight through), that’s why all the toys are still pristine, and why there’s no pathway leading to the shop.

That would probably be a bit of a sad ghost story, though…

Anyway, yeah, I’ve not done anything with that. It’s kind of at the bottom of an ever-increasing list of stories in my head to write and do! 🙂

Okay… Gonna go wash my hair, then when it’s slightly drier, go round the shops for groceries, and then come back and do laundry. And while I’m doing the laundry, I’ll finish off the sci-fi dark story for you guys and post that later! See you guys soon!

Trying not to worry about future…

Hiya guys! How’s your weekend been so far? Hopefully you’ve had a lot more fun than I did…! *lol* Actually, it wasn’t too bad, it was just… Okay, I had the guy come over to take a look at the extractor fan in the bathroom early Saturday morning, he was there for like… Less than 5 minutes, I left him to take a look, and he came out and said, “you need a new fan”. So. He said he’ll have to get one but doesn’t know when he’ll have time to come back. He said he’ll send me a text (yeah… I had to give him my mobile phone number. *sighs* I wrote it down on a sticky note pad and wrote underneath the number “text only”, because people still think they call give a deaf person a phone call…) when he get the fan and know when he could probably come. So far, I haven’t had a text from him.

I can only hope that he’ll be able to get a fan and fix it next weekend or something. And then I can forget all about that fan.

My parents came up today, and my dad brought with them a mallet that he owned, so I was able to put the plastic feet on the bed. (I was gonna go out and buy a mallet myself, but they told me not to bother, since I won’t use it for anything else but that, and since they got one themselves… Yeah.) That’s more or less done, but he also thought that because it’s cheap, it might be worth him putting some extra wooden supports in (there’s like… two wooden planks going across the width of the bed apart from the standard ends…) So… Potentially sometimes later this month, he’s going to do some DIY. I wouldn’t even attempt to do something like that. Putting a flat pack together is one thing, but actually putting something else in entirely… Yeah, no. Still, if it means that the bed will be a bit more secure, I could probably sleep a bit better without worrying if it’s gonna break down while I’m sleeping in it. *lol* (Yeah, yeah, I know it’s a bit paranoid because I know people heavier than me have slept in beds like those before and it’s fine for them! But that’s just the way I am…)

I am kind of a little paranoid about things like that. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes I do get kind of thinking about whether this will happen or that will happen. I think it might be a side-effect of the depression attacks that I’ve had over the years… Hmm…

I’ve started reading a new book I bought on Friday, called “Am I Normal Yet?”, written by Holly Bourne. I picked it up because I wanted to read something a little bit more… Well… Due to the levels of depression and everything that I’ve had in the past, I’ve had to throw out a large numbers of books and DVDs that could potentially trigger something in me. This book is about a 16yo girl (yes, it’s a Young Adult book) who’ve had mental problems herself – although, in her case (from the little I’ve read so far), it’s OCD rather than depression. Anyway… Because I’m feeling much better than I can remember feeling like for… I don’t even know how long it’s been. But yeah. Since I’m feeling better, I wanted to try and see if I could read something like that without it triggering a reaction in me. I may not like it – like I said, I’ve only read a few pages so far – but if I can read it and still feel the same afterwards then hopefully that will means I won’t have to really look into whatever book X or film Y or tv show Z is about before I read / watch it.

That’s not to say that I won’t have to be careful any more, but it would means that I can just relax a little bit more about it. I definitely won’t be able to watch or read anything that can cause these kind of severe triggers reactions, but if I can cope with something not quite so heavy as they could be (ie, like a young adult’s book), then that’d be good.

We will see, anyway.

And am I “normal” myself? *lol* Nope! The thing is, I think most of us either suffers or knows someone who suffers with some kind of mental illness. In my case, it’s severe depression. Others will have something different – OCD, whatever. But it’s only been in recent years that people are starting to treat these forms of mental illnesses as something that is actually a serious thing, rather than a “Oh, suck it up, get over yourself” kind of thing. And yes, I have had that reaction myself in the past, even people who know me very well have said that – and let me tell you, that’s… REALLY not a good thing to say. I won’t deny that in some cases, it might be right, but for most of us, me included… All that will do is make us feel like you don’t understand us, and we’ll feel even more introverted and excluded, because we can’t even talk about our mental health problems with you. And sometimes, all we really need is a friend that we can just talk to. Doesn’t even have to be about our mental health, just being able to be with you and talk… Trust me, for someone who suffered (and I hope to keep it at “suffered”) from severe depression, that feeling of having someone right there does a lot, if we can be totally relaxed around them, knowing they’re not judging us or thinking we’d have to suck it up, just them being understanding and there with us.

I’ve had to go and see psychologists for a number of sessions at times in the past. In fact, the last time that happened, I had to also talk to the manager at the work place I was at at the time, and ask him for kind of like special dispensation to take one afternoon off every week for… I think it ended up 10 weeks straight, and then we started spreading it out a bit more. Thankfully, the manager was understanding and I was able to have the special dispensation.

(Of course, soon after I started feeling a little bit better, the company went through some trouble and had to go through a course of redundancies and I was one of those made redundant… *dry laugh* Never mind. I can’t really blame the company for laying me off and it wasn’t anything to do with the depression, it was just where my skill level was in comparison with others.)

Anyway… The honest truth is, I don’t ever think I will be completely free of the need to look at some things and say “Sorry, I don’t think I could read/watch that, it would cause a trigger reaction in me”, but what I’m aiming to do is to get myself to a level where I can either manage that part of myself that get down and depressed or, better yet, to a level where I can almost go through life without having to worry about sinking back down to depression. Or both.

I’m definitely not at that level yet, but I’m certainly a whole lot better than I used to be. Of course, I know that from next month, it’ll be Autumn and that means it’s creeping closer to winter, and I do have S.A.D. so… Yeah. Definitely not counting chickens or anything.

My first aim is to try and keep myself a little bit more relaxed. I know it’s summer, I know the sun’s still up after 8pm, but – remember I said I had this paranoid part of me? This is part of it. It’s August right now. In a couple of months’ time, the sun is gonna be setting in the early evenings, and sometimes it’s all I can do to stop myself from freaking out about it. I need that sunlight. That’s part of why I hate having to work in an office from 9-5 (Okay, 8-4:30 in my case), because you’re more or less stuck in the building all day long. You can’t just… walk out of the building and just take in the daylight, clouds or not. (Well… Ironically, this is probably the only benefit smokers get. I don’t smoke – I hate the thought of what it would do to my lungs and all, not to mention the stink – but you do see them just popping out every now and then to take a puff… So they get more sun than non-smokers do… *smh*)

So… Yeah. That’s part of why I hate winter so much. I get S.A.D. and all. I have a very good lightbox at my place, and I use it pretty much every day in winter (mornings and evenings), and I’m considering getting a smaller one for work as well (if I could find a spare plug socket near the desk where I work anyway…) to try and help me. But the main thing I absolutely need to do is stop myself from freaking out. I shouldn’t be worried about what’s gonna happens in October or November while it’s summer, I should be trying to enjoy the sun and everything as much as possible right now and try and relax and not let it affect me right now. That’s the part of the paranoid that I really need to try and control better.

If I can do that, then hopefully that will also lead to my being able to control my S.A.D. and that, in turn, will lessen the impact on my mental health over the winter.

One of the things that we can do is to try and do something to distract ourselves – at least, that’s one of the things that I always found could be a help. And one of the things that I find that helps is by putting together some Lego stuff – yes, I admit it, I’m an AFOL. *lol* I was never that interested in Lego when I was a young girl, I don’t remember what they had in terms of Lego sets out there, but I know my brothers had like these Star Wars sets or something, I don’t know. Definitely something spacey, and I just was bleh about it all. There was just too much grey for my liking! *hee* If I had something, I want that something to have colour in it. I want greens and purples and yellows and reds and blues and everything!

Anyway… I was fed up of reading books and watching the same DVDs over and over again, and I needed something to distract me, so I was wandering around the shops, and popping into toy shops as well, just thinking maybe I’ll find a simple board game or something, and then as I was walking past the Lego stuff, I suddenly started thinking, well, wait a moment… This could be something that I could maybe do. I means, it’s not something that’s gonna be too difficult, but it’s something that I could do with my hands, maybe have the telly on in the background, and… Yeah. It could be a good distraction. So, I bought a couple of Scooby Doos set (because I loved Scooby Doo as a girl, and the Scooby Doo sets I’d bought had a nice mix of colours) and tried it out… Enjoyed it, so bought the other in the set and put those together. Then I started looking around for other sets to put together, and settled on the Lego Elves sets. Thankfully, I was able to get all the 2015 Elves sets (including the polybag one) and I’ve ordered the 2016 Elves sets now. Yes, all of them. I’d been holding off because I was hoping to get the Sira polybag for free from the Lego website, but no… They seems to think people wanted DC Comics characters. So… Bleh. I found the Sira elsewhere. Bit more expensive than it should be, but at least I’ll be getting it so… *shrugs* Yeah.

I did consider the Friends sets, but, from what I’d seen online, it’s been out and about for a while, and I’m one of those that, if I bought something that belongs to a group of a set, I’d be wanting to get all the others as well. Besides, I think I’d made the right choice with Elves – it appeals to me, nice and bright and colourful, and it also appeals to my imaginative part that want fantasy and adventure and the like. *hee*

The main aim I have for the rest of the year is to keep myself up so that when it comes to next Spring (this is kind of like medium-term aim I’m talking about here), I’ll be in a much better mood, and if I can do that, then I’ll be better capable of getting on with things and doing things over the year, instead of having to battle my mental health problems. And one of the things that I’m hoping to do that will help me with that is by continuing with my writings and everything – again, medium-term aim, by next Spring, I’m hoping to have done a lot more work with Yore! and the board game that I’ve been playing around with, written a couple of video games guides (for myself – I have no intention of putting them on GameFAQs or anything like that) and have written at least a first draft for a couple of stories and gotten one story up to a level that I think I could start looking into getting published or whatever.

But that second medium-term aim will only be possible if I can keep myself up. So… Yeah. I’m still constantly working on improving my own mental health, and this blog is part of what I’m using to help myself – and I hope you guys are also happy to keep reading it!

Okay… I probably wrote more than I intended to about my depression and everything, but hey… This is part of me, and this is my blog, so… Yeah. The important thing is to try and keep myself going and hopefully everything will work out.

Hope you guys are fine and I’ll write again soon!

It’s the weekend! Woo!

Hey! It’s the weekend! Finally!

It’s been such a bad day – well, I suppose the day itself wasn’t actually that bad, it was more to do with other people being their usual self-centred f-the-world selves. People not moving to one side of the walkway (be it at work or in town), but staying firmly in the middle, people hogging the water dispensers at work, people pulling out right in front of you on the roads, forcing you to brake hard… You know, the usual idiotic senseless idiots.

But… You know what? In the past, I would’ve let that get to me. This time, though…? No. I’m not gonna let those guys get me down. Not this time, and hopefully never again. I still think people need to accept that what we call “common sense” is actually more like “uncommon sense”, but they still need to learn it.

Or maybe I’m just too kind? I dunno. I could maybe attribute it to them sub-consciously looking down at me for being black or whatever, but ehh… I’m more liable to chalk it up to them being self-centred, rather than anything discriminatory.

Not that that’s much better. Just shows that you’re a bit too egotistical and arrogant for your own good. *heh* Sadly, there are a lot of narcissism out and about the place.

Even I have a little bit, myself. I means, come on, I’m blogging here, that’s gotta be a lil bit narcissistic, right?? *hee*

So, it’s the weekend, finally. And this time, I don’t have to think about anything or worry about anything. I suppose I do have to clean up the place, but at least I can do that at my own leisurely pace, rather than having to think about whether or not I’d need to keep an eye outta window in case someone’s gonna pop up. This time, I can just go and clean up rooms and everything else any time I like.

Not that I’m just gonna be just cleaning up rooms. I’m certainly planning on doing a fair bit of gaming. Probably actually gonna be PS3 gaming – I’m definitely gonna go back to playing Ni No Kuni again. I stopped for a while because I was ill, and I got a bit fed up trying to get a Toki (honestly, that random number generator and all that… *sighs* I can tell you now, that RNG will definitely knock the rating down by a point by the time I come to doing the review…!). I’ll probably play another game. I’m thinking of re-starting playing Hyperdimension Neptunia again. I can’t remember where I got to last time. I think I’d finished the first stage of Lowee and was gonna go to Leanbox… No matter, I’ll start again. If I can’t get anywhere with getting the Toki, I’ll just switch over to Hyperdimension Neptunia. *nods*

Not planning on being able to finish either of those this weekend (obviously…), but let’s hope I’ll make some good progress on both!

Books… Well, I’d just finished LongStory (or at least, the five episodes that are available at the moment in time) on my tablet so I think I’m gonna go back to paper format. I’ve got the new Wells and Wong story to read – “Jolly Foul Play” – so I reckon I’ll read that one. Leave the book I’m slowly going through for now (History of Middle-Earth: Lost Tales 1).

Over the weekend, I’m also planning on finally putting together at least one review – honestly, I’ve got a lot lined up, I just need to get it down, you know? And at least make them half-way decent, right? Wait, what do you means by “that’ll make a change…”?? Humph! *grins*

Writing… Well… Probably not gonna do any writing this time round. Ever since my last depression attack (towards end of 2015), I’ve been finding it a little difficult to do what I seems to write about best, so… I’ve been trying to explore some other options for getting my creative juices going (including this) and at the moment, my brain’s been trying to come up with kind of like a new board game type of rules. Kind of like… Trying to find a MacGuffin in a post-apolcalypse world, or fantasy version of the world, with explorers and mutants and the like. I’m still hoping to put together a first draft of rules for that by end of month, and maybe I can find some cards to write on and use and I think I’ve got an old Risk board or something that I could use in order to start play-testing it by myself (although it is intended for more than one player).

Who knows? Maybe I’ll post that on here? I’m not really intending for it to be actually published or anything – although if I get contacted by someone wanting to do it, I ain’t gonna say no!

But, yeah… It’s just something to keep me going until I can really get my head back into the frame of mind it need to be. Although… I gotta say, I think I’m turning into less of a tomboy than I used to be. At one time, the book of choice that I was reading were fantasy-style or fantasy-horror-style books – you know, like Tolkien or Pratchett or Lovecraft – with a bit of crime on the side (like Agatha Christie)… These days, though, even though I still read them, I sometimes just tend to sit down and read something that’s basically a slice of life. If there’s a bit of fantasy with them, that’s probably my ideal right now. Which probably explains why I’ve enjoyed reading LongStory and Fragment’s Note and Written in the Sky recently…

Even my last first-draft story that I wrote before my depression attack was basically a slice of life in my fantasy world. *heh* Oh well…

Oh yeah… Also, I have brothers who, at one time, were obsessed about wargames, and now I’ve taken on most of their books (and models, but they’re just all in boxes and the like). So I’ve also been re-reading old GW books about the Warhammer world. You know, before they decided to go all silly and put everyone in spheres or something daft like that? (I haven’t really got a clue what they’ve done or anything, but I know I saw mentioned somewhere about spheres and the like…) I should say, I don’t – well, can’t – game those games, and I don’t have the patience for painting models, but I do like reading those books, derivative that they are. The one downside I always had for those books is how the whole Warhammer world was always doomed. Call me old-fashioned if you like, but I prefer my stories – including the ones I’ve written – to always retain that kind of hope.

So, every now and then, I’ve been working on a new mythology for that sort of thing. Again, I’m not doing this for anything other than my own enjoyment, but it’s kind of nice to be able to take inspiration from something and just build a whole new world. Something that’s still dark, but there’s this streak of light shining through it all.

It is annoying, yeah, that it’s only going along slowly, but… *shrugs* Sometimes, you just have to go back to basics, do what’s best for you, build yourself back up, and come back to it stronger and better. That’s the way I’m looking at it, anyway! And when I do get back to it… Better believe it’s gonna be better than ever! *grins*

Okay… I hope you guys have a fantastic weekend, and hopefully I’ll post a review up very soon!