Tag Archive for mental health

House and ennui


I kind of own an explanation for the fact that this blog (and my twitter account) has been quiet for the past few weeks, and why it’s gonna be quiet for the next couple of weeks (at least).

I bought a house, as you know – and honestly, I still really dun feel like it’s mine. I’ve been there a few times now, and I still look around and think it’s not really mine. *lol* But… There you go. Just have to keep getting used to the fact that I have a house now. The main problem that I’ve been having with it is trying to get everything sorted out with it.

To be honest, it sometimes feels a little bit overwhelming, so I’ve been breaking things down into little pieces so that I can cope with each bit at a time…

That is, all the utilities and stuff like that, and the fact that there have been so much… bleh. My dad had to phone up the gas and electricity people (I imagined I would’ve been able to send them an e-mail, but I was struggling to find out which utility company it was, and by the time we found out, my dad decided that he’d give them a call… So, yeah…). I managed to sort out the water company. I think. Filled in the online form anyway, so just gotta wait for them to send me the bill or whatever. Phone line and broadband… I’ve contacted the company that I want to handle it, and was hoping they’d come and do it on Monday, but they’ve pushed it back to switching everything over on the 12th and switching the broadband on on the 16th. So I won’t be moving in until then.

No clue regarding the engineer. I had them down to come over sometimes in the afternoon on the 5th, so I’ve just e-mailed them to hopefully get an answer soon.

Council is being a pain… Just have to hope they’ll eventually get me the information that I need. Outside of that, that’s pretty much all the utilities stuff done. Thankfully.

In the meantime, I’ve been taking in boxes and the like so that I can start packing everything up ready for the move. I’ve taken some stuff over, but not a lot. And I really need to start packing soon…

Oh well. Outside of that, I’ve been suffering from some kind of ennui. I dun know why, but people are expecting me to be all excited and everything else about the house and I’m like… Meh. Guess that’s part of why I’ve been dragging my feet a little bit. And it’s not just about the house, it’s every part of my life at the moment. I did wonder if it was because of the fact that I’d been made redundant, but… *shakes head* I dun think so, and I don’t think it’s depression – it’s just… ennui.

But I’m hoping that yesterday – I started packing some stuff and moved it over to the house, plus I went to see my nieces (who, with their family, came to visit their grandparents) and I feel like I’m starting to move away from whatever it was. So… Yeah, hopefully, I’ll now be in a position to get more things done from now on. It’d be nice, definitely.

I’ve got a couple more things to do – I gotta write a letter to notify the landlord of my current flat that I’ll be leaving the property at a given date, and I gotta make a decision as to who to pick to get the big stuff moved – I was not looking forward to checking out moving companies and the like – but then my oldest brother said if I’d hire a van, he’d help me move everything… And that would be cheaper, if a bit more of a hassle. *lol* I’m tempted to go for that, though. But I’d need to give him time to arrange when he could do so. And then it’s a question of finding a van… *cries*

But yeah… At the moment, I’ve been combatting ennui, plus I’m getting a bit of stress from the whole house thing that… Everything else, the blog, twitter and so on, have been put to the back burner for now. I’m hoping that, from the 16th onwards, I’ll be in a much better place, both mentally and physically, and from there, I’ll be back blogging and tweeting and everything else again.

Anyway… That’s what happening. Not a lot of fun, but definitely thinking I’ll be back properly posting and everything else from the 16th onwards. I might post one or two times in between, but… Probably best not to expect to see much from me until then!

See you soon!

I’m back!


Yep, I’m back, and better than before! *lol*

Okay, okay, I guess I owe you an explanation as to why I’ve not been posting for a couple weeks or so… The honest truth is, after I got made redundant (yeah, unfortunately, it was confirmed that I was one of the ones to be made redundant… *shrugs*), I just felt… tired, in fact, I was exhausted. I guess all the emotions over the preceding weeks, plus the fact that I’d been working more or less flat out at the company and everything (despite them saying they didn’t have any work… *rolls eyes*), and – despite the fact that I was bracing for it and all – I was also feeling a little down. Not depressed down, just down.

And when I tried to write – you know, take advantage of the extra time I now have and all – I found I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think. That, despite the fact that I know I have like whole chunks of the story in my mind ready to put to paper… *smh*

So… After a day of this, I sat and thought to myself, what’s the best thing to do? Well… Maybe the best thing to do would be to more or less take a total break from everything. At least a weekend break, or a week, if necessary (as it turned out, it was just over a week), just relax, play games without taking it seriously (and by that, I means, just play games without thinking about what to do further down the line in the game – so I was playing games like Dragon Quest Builders and all I was doing was just exploring and seeing what I can do and everything. I wasn’t really thinking about the quests or anything like that. I means, yes, I know I was supposed to, but… *grins*), read comics (or even binge-read some of the comics – like Fine Sometimes Rain and so on), anything, just give the brain a complete break from everything.

And it worked. I feels completely recharged and I’m getting on with things now. I’m also – having checked out some of the sites that’s all about how to keep yourself motivated – using some of the suggestions mentioned to help keep me going (because I know how easy it would be for me to slip back into old habits, and that’s something I dun ever want to do…)

So, what’s the plan moving forward? Well… I’ve got a house that I’m still buying and moving into in the next month or so (I know, I know… I was gonna withdraw from the purchase, but after talking it through with parents and all, it turned out that if I withdrew, I’d not only have to pay for what we’ve done already, but job centres, etc, would be expecting me to use the deposit money that parents gave me explicitly for the house to keep myself alive, etc, before they’d give me any benefits… And, yet, somehow, other people seems to have no problems getting paid more money on benefits than I’ve ever earned in a year… *smh*)

Anyway… Parents are going to help with cost of mortgage repayments until I get a job, after which I will be paying them back as well as paying off the mortgage myself.

I think their expectation is that I will be able to find another IT job (haha) but we’ll see. *shrugs* I dun expect to, but I will look for one, along other jobs that I think I could do. In the meantime, the plan is to spend as much of my time as possible (when not job hunting or replying to e-mails or anything like that) writing, and trying to look into putting myself out there for freelance writing, if I can do that.

I am certainly planning to focus on my stories, on Yore! stuff, and so on. All the stuff that I’ve been telling myself that I’m gonna do. Well, I’ve got time now, and I’m getting on with it!

I was down for a while after being made redundant and everything else, but now I’m back, I feel better, and I’m writing and doing everything that I wanna do. I just hope that by the end of it all, I’ll have a lot to show for it – I’m certainly praying for it! 😀

See you soon!

Getting ready to move to next stage…

Heya guys! How goes things? Hope you’re doing great and all… Me? Ahh… I’m fine. Carrying on with the whole rest and relaxation thing. Been playing games (well, okay, a game – Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel 2) for most of the morning and afternoon. Not to keep, oddly enough, I just kinda wanted to just give it all a go and see how I’d get on with it.

Answer: A bit more difficult than I imagined. *lol* It didn’t help that my fighters were often missing their attacks at times as well… *smh* Guess next time (which, I fully intends to have happens once I’ve finished Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel 1… Which, given current chances of me finishing games would place it in, ooh… 2026? Maybe? *grins*) I’ll just have to try something a little bit different…

Tonight, after this, I’m planning on watching the Final Fantasy XV: Kingsglaive film… Hopefully it’ll be a good watch. I know some reviews said that it’ll basically leave you with more questions than answers, which is why it’s basically the build-up to the new Final Fantasy game (duh!), but most of them are saying it’s pretty good so… Hopefully, I’ll like it.

Oh, and some people are raving about the performance of some of the actors, like Sean Bean, but since it’s basically voices… Not gonna do anything for me, I’m afraid. *grins* Like is typical, I’ll be watching with the subtitles on and the sounds off. Or, rather, my aids out. *shrugs* Dun need them to watch films, most of the time…

I think the TV volume’s switched off, anyway… *frowns* *checks* Yep, they’re off.

Anyway, after the film, Imma gonna sit down and work out what to do. Especially after the events of the past week, I need to move on with making more changes to my life. At least, after everything I’ve done already, it should be relatively easy (read: still difficult, but hey, at least I’ve already made massive changes in my life – all of which were difficult to switch to – so if I’ve done those… I can do these changes as well. Just need to concentrate on making sure I actually do them…)

And then… Yeah, basically start from the moment I wake up in the morning.

What are the changes? Umm… Well, not to put too fine a point on it (because quite frankly, I’m embarrassed about it), it’s mostly about the physical side of me. I’ve spent a long time working on the mental side of me – and that’s not gonna change – but now that I’ve got myself more or less on the right track mentally, I think it’s about time I started work on myself physically as well. That’s not just losing weight, but I also would like to get a little bit fitter and healthier as well.

It’s also about trying to make the most of where I am currently. The place that I’m currently staying at does tends to be damp. I do have a dehumidifier that’s basically running 24/7, but there’s other things I can do to reduce that, at least until I can find a different place to move to. Hopefully somewhere that I can actually make a home out of.

Personally, I’d kinda prefer to move to an actual home with a lovely girlfriend / wife, but that’s not happening right now, so Imma just gonna try and make a nice little place for me, one that I’ll find easier to keep clean and somewhere that isn’t actually quite as damp… And, hey, when I do that lovely lady… Hopefully I’d be happy to invite her to my place. Wouldn’t invite her here. This place is a little bleh. Not as messy as it used to be, and over the past few months, I’ve been cleaning up a lot more often now. (Again, as a result of working on my mental side a lot…)

It’s just a question of keeping going and making sure that whatever changes I plan on setting up with the physical side of things with me, I stick to it. And that the toughest bit. You have no ideas how many times I’ve had to force myself to get back to working on myself mentally… *smh*

Okay, gonna go watch the film, and I’ll see you later!

World Mental Health Day

Heya guys! How’s things going? Me… I’m absolutely fine and all. Just had a bit of a restless sleep after coming back from work last night feeling tired and not all that brilliant, but right now… I feel fine.

Okay, so… Yesterday (10th October) was World Mental Health Day, and as someone who’s been through severe depression attacks – and they were severe. At times, I was suicidally depressed. – I wanna say something, not just to those who are suffering from depression, but also to those who has friends or family who are suffering from those.

(I should also stress, depression is only one of the causes of mental health illness – there are other mental health issues, but I don’t feel like I’m qualified enough to talk about those. Hopefully some of what I says for those people who are worried about family or friends can find something useful…)

First of all, to those that are depressed… You are not alone. That’s probably the most important thing you need to remember. I know it doesn’t sound like much, and on its own, it’s not. But if you suffer from depression – or any other mental health issue – knowing that there are people out there who knows something of what it’s like, or knowing that you have that support network around you… That’s important. In my case, knowing that I could go and talk to people was important for me.

Secondly – and this is probably just as important – don’t feel like you have to stay quiet, or feel like people won’t understand you. There will be some that won’t understand – trust me, I’ve had friends who told me to “get over it”, I’ve had family members who blame themselves for my depression and made it worse for me – but there will be others who will listen to you, and they will talk with you. Some of them will have bad advice, some will have good advice, but regardless… Talk with those people who are willing to listen, and ask them to come with you, or help you find a psychologist, or support group… Something like that. I know that sounds really easy to do, but it’s not. When I had a friend who told me to get over it, I was… Honest, it felt like she tore me to pieces and I just went even more withdrawn, I just felt like I couldn’t even talk to her anymore. When that family member started blaming themselves for my depression, I just couldn’t face them any more, and started shutting myself out in my bedroom. Thankfully, I did eventually manage to talk to someone else who didn’t say anything. They just sat there and held my hand (or me, on occasions) and let me cry and pour it out. And later, they came with me to the doctor’s to talk to them about the whole thing. Not to say anything, but just to give me that extra bit of support and encouragement. Because I don’t know if I would’ve managed to pluck up the courage to speak to the doctor’s about it without that friend.

And thankfully, the doctor was good enough to recognise the fact that it was severe depression, and referred me to the psychologist who come to the surgery one day every week to talk to.

Now, you may not need a psychologist – all you might need is a friend to give you that support – but the important thing is, you need to talk about it.

And the reason you need to talk about it is what leads to my third point. Find out what the cause of depression is. In some cases, it’s easy to work out. In others… It’s not so easy. In my case, it basically boiled down to the fact that I was starting to feel lonely and excluded. And by excluded, I means the fact that I’m deaf means I tends to miss out on what people are talking about, and I was feeling like I couldn’t talk about anything with anyone. Even with my best friends, I was getting to the point where all we could talk about was “hey, hiya!” and then talk about blah boring general topics that neither of us had any interest in… “So how’s the weather?” and all that… *shakes head*

But that wasn’t the only thing that was going on. Because I was getting more withdrawn, I was basically seeking solace in books and DVDs and games… And as it turned out, some of the subject matters that I was reading, watching, whatever was actually making me feel worse. I’d read a very heavy book about… Well, it’s not any one specific matter, it’s how it makes you feel throughout the story. If it keeps on really pushing at you and your feelings and not letting up… That’s what been causing it for me. And that’s why I had to go through books and DVDs and the like to remove all those things that can cause triggers in me.

Not only that, but I was also suffering from the whole Winter thing. It doesn’t help matters much that my birthday’s in January, which means that the amount of daytime I have is about 7 hours or so. *smh* It just makes it feel like I have a far shorter amount of time to celebrate my birthday, compared with some others, and that just made me feel worse. And it just got worse ever since I’ve started working, because you’re spending pretty much your whole time inside the freaking office and you’re starting work before it gets light, and you’re leaving it after it gots dark! *frustrated scream*

So… Yeah. I actually had a lot of things that were working against me. Which is why I needed to talk to someone to actually get to the bottom of it all. And that’s what you need to do. Talk to someone, try to get to the bottom of what’s causing the depression and try to come up with solutions for it.

For example, for me… First off, the whole loneliness and exclusion thing. Well, I’ve lost a large number of friends ever since my first depression, but those that are left, I love them even more. With most of them, I genuinely feel like I can talk to them about anything – doesn’t matter how personal or private it is. And in order to help me cope even better, I decided to start tweeting and blogging – like this site! – and it does helps. Because I feel like I can actually talk and write about things, instead of having to keep it all bottled up.

Books and DVDs and the like… Well, I’ve cut out a whole lot of things out that could potentially give me triggers. Doesn’t means I can’t read or watch things, but I need to be careful and I do read/watch something that could be bad for me, I do it in small amounts, and stop it as soon as I start feeling bad.

Winter… I’ve got two lightboxes now. A big one at my place, and now a smaller one at work. By using them every day that’ll give me more natural light. I’m also trying to make sure that I do go out at least once every weekend. Doesn’t matter where, could just be to the shops or just a general walk around, the important thing is, get out there, enjoy the natural daylight regardless of the weather. It’s not always fun but… *shrugs* Better than being cooped up in a building all day long. I need to feel free, and by staying indoors, it was like I was feeling trapped.

To those that are reading this and are thinking about a particular friend or family member… The one key important part that you need to do for that person: Don’t dismiss what they’re feeling, or blame anyone – whether you, them, or anyone else – for it. Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers – because you won’t. Just be there for them, and let them know that if they need you for anything, you’ll be there. If they want your help to find a psychologist, or to go with them to a support group, whatever it is, you’ll do it. It will not be easy, it will take time and you’ll feel like you’re not doing anything for them, but trust me… For most people I know (including myself), that feeling of having someone right there… That really does matter for us, because it means that we’re not alone. Even if you don’t really understand why we’ve got this mental health problem, don’t go saying “Oh, just look at you, you’re absolutely fine, think about people worse than you, blah blah blah…” Sorry to be so blunt, but when you’re suffering from mental health problems… We know there’s bound to be someone that’s worse than us. Doesn’t make us feel any better! And just telling us to get over it… Do you really think it’d be that easy??

Even for me, in my case… It still took me ages to really truly get over my severe depression. In honest fact, I think sometimes that it never really went away, I just had moments where I felt almost back to being myself, and it’s only like recently that I honestly feel much better than I have been for… Over a decade.

Now I’m not saying I’ve been depressed for over a decade, but I can’t remember ever feeling like this since I was in my early teens. It’s like… Even though sometimes I feel like I’ve gotten rid of it, it was just lying dormant inside me, just waiting for Winter or something else to trigger off the whole attack again.

And now? Hmm… Well, I’m not gonna say I’m free of it. I dunno if I can ever be truly free from it. But the fact that I’m now just free to say what I want to say – whether blogging it, or talking with friends – and that I’m not having to keep anything back, the fact that I got rid of pretty much everything that could possible trigger something in me, the fact that I’ve got lightboxes and going outside more often than before… I’m doing what I can to make sure I keep myself free from having my depression come back again.

But for those of you who are suffering from any kind of mental health issue… I dunno if anything of what I’ve written is any good, but I hope it helped a little bit. But the important thing is… Seriously, don’t feel like you’re alone, because you’re not.