Tag Archive for me

It’s Friday! Yay!

Heya! Whew… I’m so, so glad it’s Friday. The whole week has been so tiring and so boring and so… stressful at the same time. *sighs* I do sometimes wonder whether I should just extend the contract to work at that place until the end of the year (as I provisionally agreed with), or just get out at the end of the month.

The problem is, at the moment, I need to work and earn money, so… It’s not like I have much of a choice. I haven’t had any luck finding anything else that I can do, and when I do find something (IT-related), I’m not getting anywhere with anyone. And when people do contact me, it’s always “give us a call, go on”, or it’s related to jobs that are jobs that I know I wouldn’t be able to do so what’s the point of even e-mailing me in the first place? A quick glance at the CV that you’ve apparently looked at would’ve told you that!! *smh* *growls* Whatever… At least, with this contract, I have Fridays off so I can work on what I actually want to do, writing.

I’m still trying to work out the right way forward, and I haven’t got a clue, quite honestly. I feel like I need to find someone, sit down with them, and talk about how I can get moving forward with everything, being paid to be a freelance writer for someone. Even if it means just writing up technical documents or whatever, I’d be far happier doing that than sitting in a office surrounded by people for like 8 hours a day every day, trying to find enough to keep me busy throughout the whole day…

Anyway… Let’s put all that to one side. This weekend, I’m mostly planning to do work on the Yore! side of things. The fact that I’m stressing out so much right now, and with the effects of the end of summer, I haven’t been able to focus on the novels that I’ve been writing (and yes, I means novels, plural), and whenever I do sit down and start trying to write them, I’m not getting the words out right (honestly, you should see how many pages are more crossed-out than actual words that I can use…!). I kind of like need a period of time where I can just take it easy, de-stress myself, and then I’d be able to focus and get it all down on paper.

Maybe do some more game guides writings as well, but the main focus is gonna be Yore! stuff.

Okay… I’m gonna go and post this now. There’s gonna be another post soon (I’ll probably write it all out and then double-post it, actually… *grins*) which is why this is a little on the short side… *grins* And I’ll write again soon!

After that, well… I actually need to go through my twitter account and remove some people. I’m pretty sure that there’s a few that I’m following who followed me first and then removed me… *shrugs* There are quite a few people that I have no problems following and not being followed back, but others… Well, if they dun like what I write and retweet… I dun really care. But I do need to tidy up the twitter account, so… Yeah.

Shrugging off Autumnal effects

Heya!

So, it’s the end of summer, and we’re now going through Autumn. Whoopee… *grins* At the same time here, it just felt like everything went all gloomy and wet over here. Certainly nowhere near on the level of what’s been happening in the Caribbean and so on, but definitely been your average British wet and gloomy weather. And I think that double-whammy – and a few other things – kind of made me feel a little down.

And by other things, I means, I’ve been going through some stuff which has been reminding me of my past, basically, and I dun really want to remember the past, to be honest. I’m trying to adopt the mentality of “the past is the past, leave it there”, but over the past few days, it’s been rearing its ugly head and roaring “PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” right in my face. *sighs*

Basically, I’m trying to make sure that I’m looking forward to whatever’s gonna happens, with optimism and hope, and not keep looking back and thinking “I wish…” or “What if…”.

The good news is, I’m almost finished. I still have some stuff left to do, but that won’t be for another couple of weeks or so, when I’m hopefully mentally a bit better.

What I’ve been doing is trying to cheer myself up, and making things brighter here. Like, I’ve dug out my lightboxes (I took the one that I bought for myself at work back to my place when I was made redundant back in May) and I’ve set them up, and I’ve used them a couple of times. The almost-natural lights does helps a lot. As well as that, I’ve been doing things like watching DVDs of “Death in Paradise” and re-reading Medusa’s story in Astoria: Fate’s Kiss. Doing things that can pick my mood back up and everything.

I was hoping to do some writing today – outside of the blog post I’ve always intended to put together today, that is – but… *shakes head* Cooking and cleaning up took me longer than I expected, not to mention all the other things that I needed to do today… *rolls eyes*

(Yeah, I’m trying to make sure I’m eating properly again – the next step of getting back on the diet plan) Didn’t help that I burnt some of the rice… Oops… *lol* My fault, I thought I’d put in enough water, but I guess I needed to put in an extra cupful. (I thought the accepted measurement was 2 cups of water for 1 cup of rice, but I guess either my cooker’s a bit more powerful than the one at my old place, or I didn’t have the temperature at the right level, so… Next time, I’ll put in three to be on the safe side) Fortunately, I was able to shift the burnt rice and clean the pan without too many problems.

Fortunately, from what I can work out, tomorrow evening should be relatively quick so I can get sitting down and writing with a couple of hours to spare. Which is good.

That the main thing I gotta do now – make sure I give myself time to write daily. Could be anything – could be stories, could be Yore! work, could be writing game guides, could be blog posts… Just as long as I do something every single day, get myself back into that habit again, and before long… Yeah. I’m looking forward to being in the right habits for me.

Okay… Gonna stop here for now, but I’ll write again soon – maybe tomorrow, more likely Wednesday. Got a few observations to make about things that’s been happening, so I’m not short of topics.

Saying that, though… If there’s anything you want me to write about… Do let me know! I’m always receptive to ideas! 😀

See you soon! 😉

Making the most of bank holiday Monday

Heya! How goes things?

I have to admit, when I got out of work last Thursday, I totally didn’t know that today (Monday) was a bank holiday here. But then, I didn’t really think of today as being the last Monday of the summer (Bleh!). But after the weekend being, well… It wasn’t just a headache, let’s just say, it was a bad weekend. But seeing as how I didn’t have to work today, I figured the best thing to do is to pretty much just call August a write-off, and start again from September 1st – which conveniently happens to be Friday! *grins* (Although, hopefully, it will rather be almost straight away from Thursday evening after work…)

So, today, I’ve been doing a lot of work around the place – getting all the paperwork sorted out (old bills and everything and making sure I haven’t got anything outstanding that’s gonna pop up at a later date – and thankfully, I haven’t. Everything’s all caught up and paid) and making sure all the housework – laundry and cleaning up the place – is all caught up, and… Well, pretty much everything that I could think of that could be left outstanding from all the hecticness over the past few months. (And believe me, there was a fair amount)

Yeah, the plan was, just start off Friday with a clean slate and hopefully by doing that I can actually get on with realising my dreams and everything else. It’s not getting to the point where I’m gonna say “Right, this day Imma gonna write X amount of words”, but hopefully it will be at the point where I can say “Right, this day Imma gonna write X, Y and maybe Z as well”.

(Because you know me, I tends to have three or four things on the go at once. For some reason, I’m not very good when it comes to focusing on one thing at a time. I typically find myself happily writing away at one thing, and then I get ideas about a completely different thing so I have to go off and write those down before I forget!)

*looks around* It is getting there, though. The whole place is getting close to where I want it to be. There still need to be more bright colours, but it’s definitely getting there.

Oh, I might not have mentioned this… But the plug socket that got broken when the picture fell? Yeah, that’s all fixed now. Thankfully. All that’s left is to sort out the wall and think of an alternative way to hang up the picture (now that it’s in a new frame which is lighter). My dad has suggested putting some wood up in a kind of floor-to-ceiling frame set, and those wood could be brightly coloured, leaving the wall white… And I gotta admit, I like the idea. Kind of thinking it could be a bright rainbow-coloured pattern, maybe. Red at the top and going down to violet at the bottom. Maybe. Kind gotta let it ruminate in my head a little bit, see if it’ll be a good idea, or whether it might be better doing something else.

There’s something else I need to look for, for the ceiling. The ceiling I’ve got is full of those little ceiling insert lights things? Dunno what you call them, but there’s a bunch of them. And what I had in mind, I’ve got this book about Atlantis (basically talks about the possibility of Atlantis existing and where it could be), and in that book, there’s a big picture of an artist’s impression of what might be in the temple at the centre of Atlantis. Now, I’m not remotely interested in having a big gold statue of Poseidon, or an orichalcum pillar or anything like that, but I loved the ceiling that the artist’s impression had. It was basically pure white (or might be ivory-coloured) and there were these gold sun shapes (more or less flat against the ceiling, not sticking out in a sphere or half-sphere or anything like that) as well. And I had this idea – whether good or bad, I dunno – but maybe if I could get some gold sun shapes and have them around those lights it might make the ceiling look really good. I just dunno the terminology to make looking for something like that a bit easier.

Oh well, I’ll keep looking and hopefully I’ll find something some day!

Anyway… I’d better post this and get going. Hopefully the upcoming week will be a lot better for everyone! See you soon!

Fighting off ennui…

Heya! How goes things? How’s the weekend going / been (depending on time zones, obviously!) for you? Hopefully not too bad. Here… Well, I’ve been writing. Not anywhere near as much as I wanted to, but I realised – actually, Friday, I realised this – that I was pretty much in a state of ennui, and I needed to do something to actually get rid of it, move to something where I wanna be, a mood that will see me write loads and everything. Of course, the problem was how to get rid of it!

So, the first step was the determination – basically, if I couldn’t be bothered getting on with things, then I was never gonna get anywhere fast. After that, it was basically pretty much finding a way to get on with things, (Getting back to blogging helped, by the way!) and I figured the best thing to do was to put myself on some kind of schedule. It’s not major, but knowing that I’ve given myself a few hours here or there to write was definitely a major step forward. I’ll probably have to do this for the next month or so, get myself back into that habit and everything and more or less force myself into actually getting things done instead of sliding back into ennui.

And this weekend was a good weekend in terms of doing so. Like I say, I didn’t write much – and most of it was the game guides that I write (for myself) but the important thing is that I’m actually back writing now. I dunno the word count, but it’s definitely something like 5000 or so. On a good day, I know I can do over twice that – and that just on a single day – so I’ve got some way to go. But the fact that I’m now on my way back is the important thing and I can definitely see myself sitting down and writing every day again.

The feeling of ennui… I think it was because, like I mentioned before, it felt like I was living the same day over and over again and I was getting tired and disenchanted with the way things were going. Which isn’t exactly conductive to me doing well mentally…! (So, really, while it was still summer, it was definitely high time I got back to working on myself and everything again!)

There’s a lot going on in this enforcing schedule of mine but I think it’s something that I need to do and also something that I think I can do and will do. It’s not just writing, it’s everything else as well. Personal, physical, mental, everything.

What’s else… Oh! I’ve got someone coming in on Tuesday to sort out the plug socket on the wall – the one that’s been broken when the picture fell last Sunday – and hopefully that will definitely be the very last thing that I need to get done around the place for the foreseeable future.

Okay, think that’s pretty much everything. Gonna go make sure I’ve got my schedule lined up for the next week – this is including the 4 work days that I’ve got – and then… Well, pretty much gonna go back gaming and writing more on the guides again! *grins* See you soon!

Just a random post!

Heya! How goes things? Hopefully it’s all going good, despite all the bad news that we’ve all been hearing. And no, I’m not gonna blog about it, because quite honestly, I’ve tweeted about it, and retweeted like a hundred different tweets all about it, and I dun want to fill my blog with the same thing.

I will say this, however. If you are still backing “45”, please, do a favour. Press that red X at the top-right and never come back again.

So, what’s been happening? Well, in my own personal life… Not a lot. It wasn’t a great weekend, I have to say, and it culminated in a picture (not the “Fairytale Fantasia” that I’d mentioned before) falling down from where it was hanging and basically chopping out the wall socket for plugs. Thankfully, the thing that was plugged into the socket – the broadband router – still works. Somehow. The vacuum cleaner that was alongside didn’t come out quite as well. It still works. After a fashion. But I’m going to have to get a replacement for that soon.

Thankfully, since Monday, things have been getting back to normal, and I’m hoping that from Thursday evening onwards, I’ll be able to have a good, quiet weekend where I can just do what I want to do! *grins*

I know, I know, I shouldn’t complain, but…

Anyway! I’ve also asked people at work how long my contract’s going on for, because I like to be clear about these things – I got the feeling it’s either until end of September, or it’s open-ended. Either is fine with me, but I’d rather have it confirmed one way or another.

(As an aside, I have heard the rumour at work that there’s a possibility that they’re thinking of asking me to become more or less permanent, even though it’s not technically a developer job… I dunno, I don’t think they’ve really thought about it yet, and no-one officially asked me or sounded me out, it’s just something that I’ve heard mentioned…)

In terms of other job possibilities… Nothing as of yet. But, like I say, I just kind of need the weekends to start making themselves a bit less filled with… Yeah.

I just wanna say, I really really REALLY envy those people who seems to be unfazed or who can, despite everything else, just get on with these things. I’m staggered by how easy some people seems to find things, no matter what situation or how little time they have. *sighs* That’s pretty much what I have to learn to do, though. Make the most of the time I have available, even if it’s only a half-hour or so, just take hold of it and do something like write or whatever. But that’s something I need to work on. Especially if I’m serious about being a freelance writer and author of stories and everything else.

Okay, this is kind of short, but I just wanted to avoid writing about some specific things, because I’ve been tweeting like crazy about it, and I just wanted to have a moment’s respite from that. I’ll try and write again tomorrow or Friday, so see you then!

Boo!

Heya! I’m back! And back for good, too!

Whew… Again, I have to say sorry for not blogging for so long! It’s just been… Quite frankly, it’s been a struggle to do anything or think of anything more than just wanting to get on the tablet and play games or dig out some old comics and read them again. *hee* (And, yes, I have a lot of old Beanos – I even have some dating back to 1993 which is crazy, considering I would’ve been like 5 then…!)

Those 1993 Beanos, though, they’re not complete. It seems that way back then, whoever owned them originally decided they wanted to just keep those pages with “The Bash Street Kids” and “Dennis the Menace and Gnasher” (Note to Americans: The Dennis the Menace from the Beano is different to the Dennis the Menace you’re aware of, so don’t be too confused about talk about Gnasher and everything else! (History: The US’ Dennis the Menace is credited as the older one, but not by much – It was originally debuted in US newspapers on 12th March 1951 (according to Wikipedia), while the British Dennis the Menace debuted in the Beano on the comic dated 17th March 1951, but was apparently released on the 12th March 1951 – and in those days, they probably never heard of each other until much later, most likely. These days, though, I think the Beano has decided to further distance the two Dennises by just calling it “Dennis and Gnasher” – but back in 1993, it was still “Dennis the Menace and Gnasher”.)

Anyway… It’s fine. From what I can see, I still have complete Beanos dating back to 1996 or thereabouts, and that was probably when I’d started getting and reading them myself. It’s a bit of a difference, reading the Beanos back then and reading them now. I have to say, I kinda prefer the latest versions, because the latest versions of the Beano has their sarcastic kind of laugh-out-loud moments, whereas the Beanos of yesteryear are a little bit more… well, straightforward (sometimes funny, but sometimes, you really can see that some of the stuff they did then, they’d never do now…)

As for some of the celebrities they’ve featured… Well, let’s just say I spotted a certain TV personality who’s also a painter, originally from Australia… Yeesh. Those did _NOT_ age well. But to be fair to the Beano in those days, no-one has a crystal ball. As far as most people knew back then, that certain TV personality was a decent human being.

Anyway… I was kinda hoping to have been back before now, but by the time it’d got to mid-July, and things were only just starting to settle down (what with everything that’s been going on…), I decided then that I’d pretty much just hold off until the 1st August (today!) before going back to blogging. That way, I can make sure everything’s settled, I can make sure everything that I wanted / needed to do can be done, the whole lot.

And so it worked out. All the work that was required on the house (roof and water pipes – basically, the previous owner had left this place empty for over a year, and only did the visual requirements in order to make it sellable, the stuff that you couldn’t see – and quite honestly, I didn’t see anything wrong with the roof, my dad did – he obviously didn’t sort out. And I say obviously because quite honestly… I probably wouldn’t’ve, if I was selling and I couldn’t see anything wrong, and nor would pretty much anyone else) has been done, all the furniture (old and new) is now here and everything placed where I wanted it to be, and there’s a bit more colour around the place. I probably need a bit more bright colours in the place, but for now… It’ll do until I see something new.

I’m also getting settled into work. The month contract I had with the company has been extended (I believe they said until end of September, but I ought to check…), which is useful. It’ll allow me to keep earning money, get my finances in order (after all the moving and everything else), and give me more time to write and job-hunt for something a little more permanent, or a bit more solid. Whether that’s in writing or development or something else, I dunno. I’m not confident I’ll find another development job, but to be quite honest… I’m not all that sure I want to anyway. Only reason I would, is to allow me to earn while exploring writing options.

Writings… Well, I still need to try and figure out some way of being able to put myself out there as a freelance writer, but I honestly have no idea how to, and I’m useless at “selling” myself – even in interviews for development jobs in the past, I’m not good at that. But at least this way, with a 4-days working week, I’ve got an extra day to try and find ways of doing so, plus more time to get writing.

Which is gonna be starting properly from this Friday onwards – I was kind of hoping to have made a start last weekend, but… Wasn’t feeling good, plus I had to wait for deliveries and everything else so… Yeah. Just turned out that August is a brand new start for me in a lot more ways than I originally thought.

I’m also planning to get back to my diet from today. Obviously, with everything that’s been going on, my eating habits has gone totally wayward, so this week, I’m planning to just get it back to normal – like a proper breakfast and a proper evening dinner. Once that’s done, then I’ll start working on the actual diet, with exercises and everything else. My current aim is to be close to my optimal weight come Christmas time.

Outside of writing, I’m looking forward to getting back to playing video games on my consoles and everything else – that’d also been put to one side. Outside of the games on my tablet, the only other game I’ve kind of played was the download-only Ace Attorney games (and I wasn’t really getting into the Spirit of Justice one, to be honest… Think I left that before going to court in the third case (Rite of Turnabout) I’ll get back to it one day, but right now… I’m just looking at my shelves – both “latest” and “retro” collections – and trying to decide which one to play.

Oh yeah, I have my retro collection set up in my bedroom! 😀 I have my Spectrums, my PS1, PS2 and Gamecube in my bedroom, so whenever I want to, I can just load up an old game, and get gaming! And my Spectrums still works! 😀 I don’t think all the tapes are fine, but from what I can tell, most of them are definitely okay. It’s just a question of working out which ones are okay, and which ones aren’t. I probably eventually will have to get one of those new-gen Spectrums, but the last I know, there were like, two competing groups and I dun want to get both. So I thought I’d just wait and see which one is left standing.

But for now… I’m looking forward to getting back to gaming and writing and all!

Okay… Gonna stop here for now. Hope you’re doing great, and see you soon!

House and ennui

Heya!

I kind of own an explanation for the fact that this blog (and my twitter account) has been quiet for the past few weeks, and why it’s gonna be quiet for the next couple of weeks (at least).

I bought a house, as you know – and honestly, I still really dun feel like it’s mine. I’ve been there a few times now, and I still look around and think it’s not really mine. *lol* But… There you go. Just have to keep getting used to the fact that I have a house now. The main problem that I’ve been having with it is trying to get everything sorted out with it.

To be honest, it sometimes feels a little bit overwhelming, so I’ve been breaking things down into little pieces so that I can cope with each bit at a time…

That is, all the utilities and stuff like that, and the fact that there have been so much… bleh. My dad had to phone up the gas and electricity people (I imagined I would’ve been able to send them an e-mail, but I was struggling to find out which utility company it was, and by the time we found out, my dad decided that he’d give them a call… So, yeah…). I managed to sort out the water company. I think. Filled in the online form anyway, so just gotta wait for them to send me the bill or whatever. Phone line and broadband… I’ve contacted the company that I want to handle it, and was hoping they’d come and do it on Monday, but they’ve pushed it back to switching everything over on the 12th and switching the broadband on on the 16th. So I won’t be moving in until then.

No clue regarding the engineer. I had them down to come over sometimes in the afternoon on the 5th, so I’ve just e-mailed them to hopefully get an answer soon.

Council is being a pain… Just have to hope they’ll eventually get me the information that I need. Outside of that, that’s pretty much all the utilities stuff done. Thankfully.

In the meantime, I’ve been taking in boxes and the like so that I can start packing everything up ready for the move. I’ve taken some stuff over, but not a lot. And I really need to start packing soon…

Oh well. Outside of that, I’ve been suffering from some kind of ennui. I dun know why, but people are expecting me to be all excited and everything else about the house and I’m like… Meh. Guess that’s part of why I’ve been dragging my feet a little bit. And it’s not just about the house, it’s every part of my life at the moment. I did wonder if it was because of the fact that I’d been made redundant, but… *shakes head* I dun think so, and I don’t think it’s depression – it’s just… ennui.

But I’m hoping that yesterday – I started packing some stuff and moved it over to the house, plus I went to see my nieces (who, with their family, came to visit their grandparents) and I feel like I’m starting to move away from whatever it was. So… Yeah, hopefully, I’ll now be in a position to get more things done from now on. It’d be nice, definitely.

I’ve got a couple more things to do – I gotta write a letter to notify the landlord of my current flat that I’ll be leaving the property at a given date, and I gotta make a decision as to who to pick to get the big stuff moved – I was not looking forward to checking out moving companies and the like – but then my oldest brother said if I’d hire a van, he’d help me move everything… And that would be cheaper, if a bit more of a hassle. *lol* I’m tempted to go for that, though. But I’d need to give him time to arrange when he could do so. And then it’s a question of finding a van… *cries*

But yeah… At the moment, I’ve been combatting ennui, plus I’m getting a bit of stress from the whole house thing that… Everything else, the blog, twitter and so on, have been put to the back burner for now. I’m hoping that, from the 16th onwards, I’ll be in a much better place, both mentally and physically, and from there, I’ll be back blogging and tweeting and everything else again.

Anyway… That’s what happening. Not a lot of fun, but definitely thinking I’ll be back properly posting and everything else from the 16th onwards. I might post one or two times in between, but… Probably best not to expect to see much from me until then!

See you soon!

I’m back!

HEYA!!!!

Yep, I’m back, and better than before! *lol*

Okay, okay, I guess I owe you an explanation as to why I’ve not been posting for a couple weeks or so… The honest truth is, after I got made redundant (yeah, unfortunately, it was confirmed that I was one of the ones to be made redundant… *shrugs*), I just felt… tired, in fact, I was exhausted. I guess all the emotions over the preceding weeks, plus the fact that I’d been working more or less flat out at the company and everything (despite them saying they didn’t have any work… *rolls eyes*), and – despite the fact that I was bracing for it and all – I was also feeling a little down. Not depressed down, just down.

And when I tried to write – you know, take advantage of the extra time I now have and all – I found I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think. That, despite the fact that I know I have like whole chunks of the story in my mind ready to put to paper… *smh*

So… After a day of this, I sat and thought to myself, what’s the best thing to do? Well… Maybe the best thing to do would be to more or less take a total break from everything. At least a weekend break, or a week, if necessary (as it turned out, it was just over a week), just relax, play games without taking it seriously (and by that, I means, just play games without thinking about what to do further down the line in the game – so I was playing games like Dragon Quest Builders and all I was doing was just exploring and seeing what I can do and everything. I wasn’t really thinking about the quests or anything like that. I means, yes, I know I was supposed to, but… *grins*), read comics (or even binge-read some of the comics – like Fine Sometimes Rain and so on), anything, just give the brain a complete break from everything.

And it worked. I feels completely recharged and I’m getting on with things now. I’m also – having checked out some of the sites that’s all about how to keep yourself motivated – using some of the suggestions mentioned to help keep me going (because I know how easy it would be for me to slip back into old habits, and that’s something I dun ever want to do…)

So, what’s the plan moving forward? Well… I’ve got a house that I’m still buying and moving into in the next month or so (I know, I know… I was gonna withdraw from the purchase, but after talking it through with parents and all, it turned out that if I withdrew, I’d not only have to pay for what we’ve done already, but job centres, etc, would be expecting me to use the deposit money that parents gave me explicitly for the house to keep myself alive, etc, before they’d give me any benefits… And, yet, somehow, other people seems to have no problems getting paid more money on benefits than I’ve ever earned in a year… *smh*)

Anyway… Parents are going to help with cost of mortgage repayments until I get a job, after which I will be paying them back as well as paying off the mortgage myself.

I think their expectation is that I will be able to find another IT job (haha) but we’ll see. *shrugs* I dun expect to, but I will look for one, along other jobs that I think I could do. In the meantime, the plan is to spend as much of my time as possible (when not job hunting or replying to e-mails or anything like that) writing, and trying to look into putting myself out there for freelance writing, if I can do that.

I am certainly planning to focus on my stories, on Yore! stuff, and so on. All the stuff that I’ve been telling myself that I’m gonna do. Well, I’ve got time now, and I’m getting on with it!

I was down for a while after being made redundant and everything else, but now I’m back, I feel better, and I’m writing and doing everything that I wanna do. I just hope that by the end of it all, I’ll have a lot to show for it – I’m certainly praying for it! 😀

See you soon!

Musing on my writing future…

Heya… How goes things? Hopefully, they’re all going okay for you, and that you’re having a nice relaxing weekend!

Or a liiiiiiittle bit more relaxing than mine is. *lol*

No, no, it’s not gonna be another whinging post. I’ve done that in my last post, so dun worry about that! (And before you ask, I’ll find out what gonna happens Wednesday, although looking around, I’m pretty certain I’ll be one of the two that’re picked to be made redundant. I’ve already pretty much emptied my desk drawers and everything else, because I just dun see much chance of me staying on.)

Okay, so… I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wanna do. And now, more than ever, I honestly feel like I wanna do this, I wanna switch over to doing something along the lines of writing. Whether it’s gonna be creative writing or something like that, I don’t know, but I do know that I want to try and make a serious go of it. And I’ve been spending a fair few hours yesterday looking at websites and the like to see how I can go about getting into it. And honestly… The hardest bit is gonna be making myself known, “selling” my skills and the like, as it were. And I genuinely have no idea how I can even possibly do that, because… I’ve said it before, but I’m shy, deaf, and an introvert. It’s not exactly a combination that make it easy for me to actually put myself out there, is it?? *shakes head*

Worse than that, though, is the fact that if I were to try and specialise in what I’m mostly interested in, it would be basically mythology and fable stories. Maybe a bit of history mixed in, but my main interest in history has always been associated with the mythological aspect of things. Doesn’t matter if we’re talking the classical stuff, like Greek, Roman, Norse, whatever mythology, or those that are lesser-known, like the Central Americans one like Olmec and so on… That’s what fascinate me.

I can also do documentation for IT programs – and I have done, both in terms of user guides and inner working documentation for work, but mmm… Sometimes, I have to admit, that can be a bit of a tiring struggle. However… If it’ll give me another opportunity, maybe I ought to think about that as well.

Reason I’m trying to think of topics that I could maybe write about is because people say you need to probably start off with at least a half-dozen different topics that you can maybe talk about. But if you look over what I’ve been writing in my blog and everything… Well, you’d think it was basically opinions on politics, LGBT+ rights, mental health, video games, books, films and TV, football… *lol* And the downside of some of these is… I’m not that good writing reviews! I can try and write them, and I do, but I gotta admit… It’s tough to try and write about specific things. Take games, for example… I dun care about controls or anything like that, as long as they work, and graphics are important, but I dun care if it’s photorealistic or retro or somewhere in between, as long as I know what’s actually happening. I’m more likely to moan about some erratic camera than how detailed the leaves are or whatever. I’d be much more interested in the actual story itself. (Yeah, I know… Go figure! *grins*) Still… Maybe I can do something with some of them.

I’ll be honest, reading some of the stuff that are out there, it can be a little disheartening, but… *shakes head* I’m definitely determined to at the very least try and break into that market a little bit.

The main focus, I think, is definitely going to be with my creative writings, but maybe I can also get somewhere with doing other forms of writings as well.

I have a few stories in my head, in quite a few different ranges, but the one thing I wanna do right now is to try and write down that romance story that I’ve been building up in my head for the past few months, ever since I got my writing groove back.

But… Sheesh. Sometimes… It’s hard. The idea of putting myself forward for something, anything break me out in a cold sweat, and I still get into a blind panic. Sometimes, I really wish I had someone that would be like… that intermediate step between me and the whole world, someone who knows what to do, or at least give me that impression they know what to do. *lol*

*sighs* I’ll probably try and see if I can get my mind and all sorted out later today, and make up some kind of plan as to how Imma gonna go about it. I have a vague idea of what, but… Hmm… I think I need to put together a list and see what to do. Maybe. Might help settle me down a bit.

The one thing I definitely need to do, though, more than anything, is not to run away. I dun means physically, I means mentally. Because this feels right, but… There’s this voice in the back of my head that basically try to tell me that I can’t do it, that I won’t do it, that I’m too afraid to make that step, and wouldn’t I rather just wallow in self-pity and all? That’s what I need to ignore… Sure, I might not succeed, I might get nowhere… But at the very least, I’ll have tried. And that’s the important thing.

Okay… Gonna go and try to put together some kind of list. Any suggestions, seriously, it would be so helpful! See you soon!

Had some bad news…

Heya… So, if you follow me on Twitter, you’ll have noticed that I received some bad news yesterday (Monday). Basically, the company I works for have announced that they’re gonna go through yet another round of redundancies, including more restructing of the development team. Considering that the team has shrunk from over 20 people to something like 8 (including managers), well… Yeah.

(By the way, I apologise in advance for this being a bit of a whinging post. I know many people have had it much worse than me but… I just wanna moan and let off steam! And then hopefully I can get looking into other options and moving forward with whatever I’m gonna do.)

My honest suspicion is that they are planning to merge the development team into the operation team (the team that does the front-line stuff), and if that’s the case… I can imagine that with the exception of the managers (of course they’ll be safe, they always are *rolls eyes*) – which means it’s down to the 6 of us – they’ll maybe keep one or two of us. And if that’s the case… I can think of 4 of those 6 who’ll be ahead of me in the line to stay on. And three of those people are long-timers so… Yeah. I can see maybe one of them voluntarily leaving, but all three? No.

Quite honestly… I’m sick of the whole IT thing. This is gonna be my third redundancy of three IT jobs, and every single time, I’m out of work for ages before I can get another job – I have so much going against me when it comes to trying to get a new job, not least of all the fact that I’m deaf. Try explaining to people that being deaf does not affect my general ability to do the job, all it means is I can’t hear as well as others, and I can’t use the phone and people still run away screaming. *smh* *sighs* And when you add to that the fact that I’ve been suffering from depression and everything all those other times… I just dun want to go back to that. And I dun want to be in that vicious circle anymore of being out of work for ages before landing a job for a year or so before being made redundant again. *smh*

What I was hoping for was to stay in this job for another year or two until I can get something sorted out with my writings and everything else, and then maybe start moving towards a different future with my writings, but as is… *shrugs*

I need to be careful. I’ve been thinking about this for ages, and I’ve spoken about leaving IT behind me permanently – I’ve often said that I felt like this would be my last IT job – and I genuinely do have the feeling that I can make a good go of being a writer, and earning something with that – I’m not sure if it’ll be enough to live on, but certainly something. And when I look at myself, and think about it – you know, like how people get those feeling that “this is the right thing to do” and all that? Well… I’ve got that feeling about myself and getting into writing more seriously.

Whatever style of writing that is, I don’t know. Ideally, definitely creative, writing stories and the like, but that’s… As many people will tell you, for every top writer out that that everyone knows about, there’s like a million that only sells a few copies. So, while I’m still gonna try and write stories and everything, I’m not gonna pin all my hopes on that. There’s other styles of writing out there, it’s just a question of finding the right one.

…The problem is, I honestly have no idea how I’m gonna get into it. I don’t really know anyone who knows anything about writing – I means, I know some people who are in the creative arts, but I dun feel like I could really go and ask them for help and information. Hmm. I need to look around online and see if I can find some websites that’ll help me to work out how to go forward with that.

If you do have any ideas or suggestions, please, feel free to drop me a message on twitter or whatever, I will totally appreciate it!

The one thing I’m determined to do, though, is not to let this affect me. Even if I have to go and stack shelves in a shop or whatever, I’m not gonna let this almost-certain redundancy affect me like the other times. Instead, I’m gonna treat it as an opportunity to actually get on with writing and everything else, and figuring out a new path forward for me.

I just have to hope and pray that, whatever happens… I’ll come through this in a much better place than before. It is gonna be tough, but… Yeah.

Regarding the house… Well, I’ve not heard anything, and I might lose a bit of the deposit money on fees and the like, but – despite what my parents have told me about helping me (and I really don’t want to do that – I don’t want to end up losing my parents money as well as mine. I’d rather that all mistakes are mine and only affects me) – the chances of me moving out and getting in there are now a lot more remote than they were on Sunday. But I haven’t said anything to the solicitors yet, because… Well, something might change and I might still be in a job (Dun get me wrong – I estimate my percentage chance of staying in the job to be less than 1%) after this.

But… Yeah. Whatever happens… I just gotta keep going and hope and pray that things will work out. I just know I’m tired of never being able to plan for the future or anything. May the future be different for me, and I can do what I really want to do, and be able to work for the present and eventually really plan for the future.