I’m back~~~! And ranting about VNs!

Heya guys! I’m back! *grins*

Not that any of you missed me, I’m sure, you’re all probably just sat there, going, “Huh? Were you gone for a while?” and all that… Hmph!

*grins* No worries, I’m just glad to be back. The week at work and all just took much longer than I expected, and a lot more out of me than I thought it would. Technically, I was all finished with everything from about 3, 4pm yesterday (Sunday)? But I was so tired that I just went to bed and basically ended up alternating between sleeping and reading old Beanos. *hee*

But now, I’m all refreshed and everything! Just in time for probably another long week at work… *groans* *lol* Never mind. Hopefully, from now on, I can really keep everything going as I want it to, with this, and twitter, and everything else.

I had a weird dream overnight, though… I dreamt I basically woke up and as I got out of my room – thankfully, I was wearing a dressing gown and all – I saw people trying to get into my place (which isn’t this flat, nor is it the house I’m hopefully getting, but something larger, with a big garden and all that) before someone came up and pointed them to go somewhere else. Like, up the stairs and all. And then that person came in and started walking towards the kitchen, and I’m like, “Umm… Who are you, and what’s going on?” and he (yes, it’s a he. *shudders*) said he was one of the helpers for the party. I asked what party, and he said the party in the garden. And sure enough, I looked out and saw what was frankly a mess. I asked him why was there a party in my garden and why were people going into my place, and he said “Oh, didn’t you know?”… *smh* Needless to say, in the dream I got a bit annoyed and started yelling at him.

For future reference, should I ever be in the position to have a decent-sized garden and all that: No, I will not be having or allowing any parties to go on where it’s basically full of people I dun know. The only parties I’m gonna have is gonna be with ladies that I actually know. And even then, it’s going to be rarer than a blue moon!

Weird dream, though. People having parties and not even bothering to tell me. I’d be upset about that if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m more or less kind of used to that treatment. (Honest, too many times, I genuinely don’t know what’s going on with anyone…)

Something that I saw this morning, though, and which did upset me a lot, is the news that Voltage AmeMix are transferring all their stories to a single application called LoveStruck. Where you get tickets, tokens, keys, whatever it’s called, and can only read up to two chapters at a time before having to wait hours for those tickets to be renewed so you can carry on reading.

And if you do transfer your stories over, you won’t be able to read your stories whenever you like anymore. You won’t even be able to read specific sections of it anymore.

That is, by far and away, the worst option of all. I also read PlayChoices – like the Freshman, Endless Summer, and so on – and while I do enjoy the stories, I loathes the limited choices of being able to read them. There are times that I just want to be able to go back to specific sections, or re-read blocks to remind myself of where I’d gotten to, and I can’t. You either have to start off all over again, or just plough on and hope that you’re not forgetting something.

I loved the way that Voltage AmeMix were doing their stories. Pay for a specific story once, and you can read everything in it, whenever you want to. You can read specific bits of it whenever you want to. Sure, it’s not “free”, but I’d rather pay more upfront and be given that choice to read whatever I wanna read, whenever I wanna read, instead of having that choice taken away from you. Being restricted to useless “tickets” and only being able to read small blocks at once… No. Thank. You.

There’s been times when I’ve been debating with myself whether to stop or continue reading PlayChoices, because as much as I liked the Freshman or Endless Summer or whatever… I find myself sometimes just wishing I could go back and read specific chapters and I can’t. And far too often, I just wish I could buy the whole story in one go and just be able to read it all from start to finish in one block. And I can’t do that either. I could with Astoria: Fate’s Kiss, or Castaway! but with their – quite frankly, stupid dumb ridiculous decision to switch over to LoveStruck…

…*shakes head* I’m sorry. Much as I love @SailorScooby and as much as I wanna support her and everyone else that she works with (or for – she’s just a junior producer, and it wouldn’t be her choice to move to this horrendous method), and help to contribute to keep AmeMix going with their wonderful stories – and the same goes for PlayChoices and their wonderful stories – this doesn’t work for me. I can barely remember what’s going on with Freshman (honestly, half of the stuff that I’ve read over the past few weeks, I dun even remember the buildup to it, and I feel like I’m losing half of the story all the time) Endless Summer is worse, quite honestly. I dun even remember what’s going on any more. The only reason I’ve been going on with them is because I’m stubborn and wanna get to the end of it. But…

I’m sorry, it just doesn’t work for me. I need to be able to keep reading the story, to be able to go back and re-read specific sections, remind myself of what’s going on (or *blushes* because I loved certain parts of the story… *cough*), and the switchover to tickets… I can’t do it. I’ve been debating for the past couple months to stop reading PlayChoices because it’s not working for me. Only reason I haven’t stopped is because I’m stubborn and I love reading about Kaitlyn and Quinn and Estela and all those.

I’m just really really glad that I was able to get every one of the Medusa stories from Astoria: Fate’s Kiss before that switchover. Shame I’m not gonna be able to get to the end of Serena’s story in Castaway! or Aurora’s story in Gangsters, but… *shakes head* Like I say, I want to, and I wanna support AmeMix and all those people that write those lovely VNs, but… That sort of method of delivering stories just doesn’t work for me. And I can’t keep doing it, it’s not helping me.

I’m not gonna stop following @SailorScooby or giving her all the support I can, because I think she’s a genuinely lovely lady, someone that I love following and I love reading her views, pretty much most or all of which completely resonates with me and what I think (or seeing her retweets of beautiful cats! *grins*). It’s just that I just can’t work with the worst method ever of how to get people to read their stories anymore.

As for PlayChoices… *shrugs* Same thing. I’m probably gonna keep struggling through with Freshman (quite honestly, much as I love Endless Summer, I’ve lost track of what’s going on now, and to catch up I’d need to start all over again and read two chapters at a time before waiting like 4 hours for the keys to be refreshed to read another two chapters…) and hope that I can remember enough of it.

I just wish these companies would give us the choice to be able to buy the whole story and allow us to read the whole story in one block. You know, like how Voltage AmeMix used to with Astoria: Fate’s Kiss and all that?

But I’m just a lonely voice in a sea of “give us everything for free!”. I dun mind paying for things that I love, I dun mind buying stuff when I know it’ll support the companies, I just wish they’d pander to those of us that wouldn’t mind buying these stories and everything else as well as giving options to those who want things for free and dun mind or can cope with the worst method ever of releasing their stories.

Retail therapy? Yes please!

Heya! How goes things? Here… *ughhhh* *lol* The past few days – nearly a week now, actually – have been ridiculously busy, both at work and outside work. And, to be honest, I was kinda getting under the weather over it all. And I realised that when I started looking at buying yet more notebooks – for some reason, I seems to have a… problem… when it comes to notebooks. I have like, nearly a hundred of them! *blushes* And when I’m feeling down, I have this kind of feeling that, if I buy the “right” notebook, I would just sit down and write, write, write. *shakes head*

Thankfully, I spotted it, and thought, “hang on…” and decided to do something else. So. This evening, after work, I basically headed straight back to the flat and just sat down, got my stuff together, and started writing about what I’d need to do (things like house stuff, bills stuff, family stuff and so on… Hardly anything for me specifically at the moment!) and when I should do it by. And even now, I’ve crossed a couple of things off the list already. Which is good! And writing this will allow me to cross another thing off the list (seriously trying to aim to do this at least once every 2-3 days…)!

Work… *shakes head* It’s busy for the wrong reasons, quite honest. I’m stuck doing development work – which is a good thing, preferable to doing more testing work – but the problem with the development work I’m currently doing is… Well, it’s not really been thought through by the client or the analyst. So… I’m doing what I can, and I have to say, I have a feeling that a fair amount of what I’ve done – probably nearly 75% of it – is either gonna be rewritten, or given the SQL version of ripping up and starting all over again. *rolls eyes*

I think the code works, and I think I’ve done it as well as can be expected all things considering with the slightly vague requirements and half-put-together specifications as they stand, but… Yeah. Kind of stresses me out a little bit, because I dun want to feel like I’m wasting my time (although, to be fair, I think most jobs are basically a waste of time…) with things that might not even be required or used in the end. And I definitely dun want to basically have to start all over again when people figures out what they want it to do.

…I know, I know… This is basically what IT development work is, but ehh… That’s why I’m a writer in an IT development role. I’m not a developer with a side-order of writing! *grins*

Come on guys… Someone give me a writing job! *hee*

But anyway… Yeah. Things have been a little bit stressful and a bit down right now. So… Tonight, I’ve decided to do some online retail therapy – and joy of joy, the spring release of Lego Elves season 3 is out today! *orders the lot* *grins* I know I ain’t gonna get it until next week, but… Mmm… Elves, Elves, Elves… I loved the first two seasons, and I’m just so stoked to get the spring releases.

Although there’s a very heavy Labyrinth influence on the new season, and I know I ain’t the only one to notice that. Saying that, though, I’m glad Lego decided not to give the Goblin King an extra pair of socks to put down the front of his trousers…!

I had a few problems with the Lego website, though… For some reason I kept getting “unexpected error”, and since I remembered that their e-mail helpdesk was next to useless last time, when I was trying to order a holiday train to add to the winter village collection I have – basically, the advice was “clear your computer’s cache, if that fails give us a call” – handy advice for a deaf girl, isn’t it?? *smh* So, this time round, I decided to try and see if I can work out what was going on.

Anyway, long story short, it turned out that the Lego website, in their infinite wisdom, decided that you must give them a phone number. Way to be discriminatory, guys! Thankfully, I was able to get round it by putting in a bunch of 0s. *smh* Just… Bleh, seriously? As long as you got one form of contact, like e-mail or something, that’s all you need. You don’t need to make everything compulsory!

Okay… Gonna stop here for now. I’ve been away from twitter for a while, and I’ll probably be away until maybe the weekend? But I will try and write again on Friday or something! Right now… Gonna go cross off at least one more item off the list, and get that down to manageable levels! See you guys soon!

Busy weekend!

Heya guys! Today was a good day. Busy, but good. I’ve been spending a few hours just going through piles of papers – and, yes, guys, I did find the pieces of paper with the knee exercises on them, and I’m gonna start doing those from tomorrow! – and cleaning up a few things that’s been left alone for a few weeks now.

Plus, I finally got round to cleaning up the laptop that I’m gonna be throwing out. Kind of. The hard drive’s gonna be destroyed, but the rest of it can just go to the tip. It’s old. It’s about 10, 12 years old, it’s got Windows Vista on it, and I haven’t used to do anything except play Civilization on it (and that was pretty much Civ 2) for the past couple years, ever since it’d started breaking up… And since it’s now more or less falling apart… Yeah. Just gave everything a quick look, did a clean re-install (better safe than sorry, right? – and yes, I know some of the data from years back will still be on there, which is why the hard drive will also get destroyed soon enough) and… Yeah. I’m now down to just my old netbook.

I was hoping to get a new computer late last year, but… *shakes head* What with one thing and another, that kinda got put on the backburner for a little while. Hopefully, sometimes later this year, once I’d (hopefully!) get the house sorted out and settled down and everything.

Plus… I was asking my bestie – who knows more about computers than I do – for advice on what computer to get and she recommended this, like 15in screen behemoth for me, and I’m like, “Hang on, Imma only gonna use it for writing and internet browsing!” *lol* I wanted something smaller, like my netbook is, or a little bit bigger. I like having a small computer, quite honestly. I spend hours just tapping away at the keyboard writing, and it’s just easy with this.

Also, she recommended a lenovo, or something like that. I gotta admit, while I’m sure they do make good computers, I’m a bit wary of a company that would deliberately put malware on their own computers. Who’s to say they won’t be trying something like that again?

So… Yeah. Basically, that’s been put on the backburner for now. That, and a new mobile phone. Hopefully, I’ll get them by the end of the year. That’s the plan, anyway. That, and maybe a Nintendo Switch? Depends on what other games will come out for it in the new few months. There’s only a couple of games out for it that I wouldn’t mind playing at the moment, and that’s not enough for me.

But, yeah, going back to computers… The laptop that I had, my dad originally bought it for me because I was getting into computer programming because I didn’t really have any other choice (as people would tell me, it’s a lot of luck to make it as a writer) and it was something that I moderately liked back then (I was still a teenager then… Sheesh!), and my dad thought it might be useful for me to help me learn to be a programmer. And indeed, I did use it for programming for a few years. Your standard free stuff – SQL Express, Visual Studio Express (like I could afford the few thousands or whatever it all cost!) and all that. But… Yeah. I was struggling through depression and all, so it only really became me using SQL Express and getting into work using SQL Server coding and the like. (I know, I have no idea how I’d got through uni and all…)

So, really, it’s kind of a legacy from the past that isn’t really me anymore. And since it’s now breaking apart… Well, it’s kind of time to get rid of it. Way past time, actually, but there you go.

And I dun feel bad about it or anything. *shrugs* I know sometimes people get a bit sad, as if it’s like losing a friend or something, but… Yeah. I think it’s because it does sometimes makes me think about the past and all that lost time. I kind of want to just leave it all behind me, move on and try to shape my future to be what I want it to be.

There’s a few more things I have left to do, but I can get on with them tomorrow! 🙂

The best news, though, is the fact that I found out that there was a Medusa story I hadn’t read in Astoria: Fate’s Kiss. I dunno how I missed it, though. I means, it’s one of the very first special stories that’s part of the VN, so… *shakes head* Still, I’m really glad I spotted it, and bought it. Mmm… Medusa, Medusa…

Yeah, I know, I know… But one day, I’ll meet my very own real-life Medusa! I just need to make sure that when I do, I’m as ready as I can be! 🙂

Okay… Gonna post this and then… Hmm… Play a game, read a book? I’ll see what I feel like when I log off this computer! See you guys soon!

Hectic week


How goes things? Wow, I gotta tell you, it’s been a really hectic time at work this week. At one time, I was basically doing testing work on three different things at the same time. Plus, development work on another thing entirely when I had a few minutes to spare… *smh* Like I say, I dun mind being busy at work, just kind of… well, okay, I’m moaning a little bit! *hee* But it would be nice if it was all spread out a little bit more. Like, allow me to test one thing at a time, and do the development work that I need to do, not have everything dumped in my lap all at once!

Ideally, I wouldn’t be doing that much testing either, but… That’s the way it goes. *shrugs* Things have been a little bit busy that even the testers – the ones whose jobs are primarily testing work – have been asked to do development work, and of course, because they’re doing some development work… *lol* Yep, you guessed it!

It’s all a bit of a mess I’m afraid. Dunno why, really, but guess it’s just the way things have basically been building up to. Hopefully people (well, those in management duties) will be able to get things settled down a bit and the right people will be doing what they’re supposed to be doing.

Outside work… Well, my knee’s still giving me problems. It’s been clicking a fair bit over the past few days. It’s looking like I’m gonna have to go and get it scanned after all, but… *shakes head* Honestly, most of the time it’s fine, and I can stand on it – like on that one foot – and everything else fine, so… I dunno. Course, it may be associated with the fact that the stress of the past few weeks and everything has been seeing me slip somewhat over my eating habits. *sighs* Yep. Been eating more junk food than I should again…! But that ends today! *puts foot down* From now on, back on diet plan, back to eating properly! *firm nod*

…Wait, why are you guys already placing bets on when I slip up again?? *crosses arms, going “humph!”* You’re mean! *grins*

But, no seriously… I think the sooner I start dropping my weight – and keeping it off – the better it’ll be for my knee and all. And if that doesn’t help then, yeah, I’ll go speak to doctor and arrange to get a scan or whatever for the knee.

I should write up, as well, an exercise plan for the knee and all… I mean, I’ve got one from the physiotherapist that I saw last year… Somewhere… *look around the room, at scattered pieces of paper all around* Maybe? *grins*

(I know, I know… I need to become more organised. I’m aiming to do that this weekend, just start to sort out some of the papers around the place and all…)

But yeah… Once I find that plan, I’ll get back to doing those knee exercises and everything. That’ll also help me with getting back to doing some other basic exercises as well, stomach and all, just to get my body a bit fitter. 🙂

STOP PLACING THOSE BETS!! I’ll prove you guys wrong, just wait and see! *tosses hair and walks away*

*grins* Okay, okay…

The house-buying is progressing. I presume. I’m getting a surveyor to just give the house an once-over – I’m not expecting there to be any problems, but like people say, always better to be safe than sorry, right? I’ve made a choice of who I’m getting in – although, to be fair, he was the only one that replied to my e-mail. The other one I’d e-mailed didn’t get back to me, and there wasn’t any out-of-office reply or anything, so dunno why they decided they didn’t wanna get back to me…

But yeah… Outside of that, like I said before, it’s basically all with solicitors now. I dunno how long it will take, but pretty sure it’ll be a few weeks yet before I get to sign any contracts or anything like that.

So… Yeah. Like I say, busy week, so I’m definitely looking forward to when I get back from work tonight… Just to have that nice weekend break from work and all… Bliss!

Haven’t really been playing any games lately. Just not really been in the mood to do so. *shrugs* Well, apart from the usual three tablet games anyway. Hopefully I’ll be getting back into things soon, especially now that the whole house thing is more or less in other people’s hands.

Same with my writings, actually. Maybe not this weekend, but hopefully from next week, weekend, that kind of thing, I’ll be getting back into doing my writings. My imagination’s overflowing a little bit at the moment! *grins*

Okay, gonna stop here for now. Hope you guys are doing okay, and I’ll write again soon!

Famine in South Sudan

Heya guys… I’ve been having to turn the telly off recently, because all the new channels and everything else is going on about South Sudan and the famine there. Which, actually, is a really good thing because I was so expecting everyone to shrug their shoulders and go “So what?”

But for me, personally, every time I see it on the telly, I am reminded at how little I can do to help them. Especially the women and children. I won’t repeat what they say but I’m sure that people can work out for themselves exactly what’s been happening to the women and children in a civil war that’s been going on for around three years now.

I won’t pretend to understand everything that’s happening in the civil war, but as far as I was able to read before I had to stop, it’s basically South Sudan’s president and vice-president had a falling out, and because they’re from different tribes and all that… Because of their positions of power, they were able to get everyone from their respective tribes to take up arms and start shooting at each other.

…Like, seriously? Again, I don’t know, and I don’t pretend to understand, but war of any kind should NEVER BE AN OPTION! Those two people were selected to be the leaders of a brand new nation, and instead of acting like responsible adults, they decided that the only recourse was to encourage their tribesmen to go round killing other men and doing horrible crimes against women and children.

And before anyone says this is an African problem or some stupid idiotic gibberish, it’s not. What do you think is happening in Ukraine, with the illegal occupation of Crimea by Russia and them arming the rebels with top grade weaponry. It’s happening right now. Even more locally, there’s been a step back in, what we hoped was going to be, a permanent peace in Northern Ireland. And I wouldn’t be surprised if, in the next year or so, there was civil war happening in the USA.

But right now, something need to be done about South Sudan, and war and crimes are not the answer. I’m looking at sites to donate money to – for example, there’s this UNHCR site which may be the one I’m likely to donate to, tonight when I get back from work. But all I can do is something as tiny as this, a small donation which I hope will buy enough food and water for one person for a few days. When you think that there millions – some reports says close to 5 million people – who are in desperate need, well…

The problem is, I don’t know – and this is the main reason why I’m getting upset about it all – what else we can do to stop the civil war from happening, as well as trying to bring justice for all the poor women and children that have been… yeah. Chances are, those two moronic buffoons that lead the tribes will stay in their resplendent palaces munching on their fifty-portions banquet and demanding that their tribesmen keep on taking pot shots at each other for the next few years and will only come back to the negotiating table when their 50 portions go down to 49, and they’ll be bewailing how starved they are as they shift their grossly fat bodies from their eight-post bed to their top-of-the-range expensive golf buggy which takes them, tyres fits to bursting to the negotiating tables…

…Yeah. I know. Men…! *smh*

We need a way to stop the civil war from happening. And I just dunno what we can do.

The weekend and Career choices

Heya guys! How goes things? Me… Just soo glad it’s the weekend. Honestly, the week at work was not fun. I was basially loading in files so other people can do development work. Well, that, and I actually did some development myself, but the tester was having problems because of differences between development server, test server and live server. And guess who had to try and do something to fix that…?

Yep. Me. *lol* Actually, after checking and discussing with the project manager and all, turns out there was little for me to do. Basically, because it’s a bug fix, we’re only really interested in getting it live as soon as possible, so we were going on the lines of “if it’s not happening on live environment, we don’t care.” *grins*

But what was worse than work was the commute to and from it. I dunno why, but Thursday and Friday, it just seems like there’s been more than a few idiots who drank too deeply from the moron juice. I even had to brake very very hard to avoid hitting a brainless dunderheaded dolt with a side order of stupidity, moronity, and idiotity mixed in, who thought, “Hey, I’ll just pull out of this side road right in front of this car…” *smh* A single fraction of a second later, and my car would’ve been in the side of his van. Honestly… *sighs*

The sooner I get away from this place and those roads between where I currently live and where I work, the better. Although I know it’s probably trading one set of idiots for another, but at least the roads from the place that I’m hopefully getting (it’s now with solicitors, no contracts’ been signed or anything, so we’re still a few weeks away from that…) are slightly better, there’s a few dual carriageways, and so on… So hopefully won’t be anywhere near as bad as the ones I go along now.

But that’s by the by… (*frowns* You know… I have no idea where I heard that phrase before… I must’ve picked it up from a book or something?)

Umm… Yeah. Anyway. What I actually wanted to write about was something that I saw in an twitter exchange between two ladies that used to follow me, and now neither of them do. *lol* Dunno why, maybe it’s my online campaigner rants? *grins* I certainly didn’t say anything bad about either of them…

But… The twitter exchange that I saw was about one person’s… choice of career, if you like. Basically, she’s working as an escort and the other one was a little critical of her choice. If you like.

And that got me thinking… Why do some career choices bring out such a reaction? AS far as I’m concerned – and I dun think this will really surprise anyone that really knows me – but…

Well… See, there’s absolutely no way that I could (even if I ever wanted to) be an escort (I’m pretty sure, even if I wanted to, that the lesbian escort market is kinda tiny…!), but I say, as long as you’re not getting pushed into it, that you’re not getting forced to do something you don’t want to do, and that you’re happy to do this, and that you’re happy to be classed as something like a “glorified prostitute”… Well, quite honestly, I say good luck to you. See… We’re all of us are different. In my case, the only things I had going for me is that I’ve got an imagination and like writing, and I had some skills with computer programming. So… You know, there weren’t that many options open to me. Same with other people. Some do manual labour, some are clever enough to become doctors, some are lucky enough to get away with conning people throughout their lives and become President of the USA, and so on. In the escort case, as she said, she’s not exactly book smart, and she is beautiful and she’s obviously thought about it and decided that she was okay with it, she was okay with potentially sleeping with a considerable number of guys and so on. So… You know, in that case, I say good luck to her.

It’s the same thing with some ladies going into webcamming. There’s these stories that I’ve heard where some few – and it is only a few, the vast majority don’t even get close to those levels – can earn $1000s in a single night. And, again, most of them will have thought about it, they’ve decided that they’re comfortable with going nude in front of hundreds, thousands, of people, and that they’re willing to accept the risk that their nudes will be saved and shared online with thousands more. And again, I say good luck to them.

Because the thing is… Most of them have made their conscious choice after (I hope) thinking about it, and as long as they’re happy to do what they do, and that they’re not getting forced into doing things they don’t want to do… That’s all that matters.

Because, well… We don’t really have many choices when it comes to earning money – most of us have to work to be able to afford to live. We can’t all be conmen, or sponging off their rich parents or anything like that.

Believe me, if I could quit IT right now, and be guaranteed that I can just write and earn enough with my stories and everything else… I really, really would. But I dun have that guarantee, so I have to stay working in IT for as long as I need to. But I’m working to change that round. Whenever I get the chance, I’m sitting down and writing. If I’m good and lucky enough… I’ll be in that position to change my career sooner or later.

So, no… I won’t pick on anyone for their career choices. I may not want to do it, but as long as you’re okay with it, that’s all that matters.

My slightly late Valentine’s Day post…

Heya guys! Did you have a nice Valentine’s Day? Hope you did. Or, if (like me!) you’re single, hope you were able to just enjoy the day with friends and everything else. *nods*

I freely admit, there’s been times in the past where I’ve really hated Valentine’s Day. It was a reminder that I was single and – especially when I was in those periods of times when I was pretty much at my lowest depths of depression – unloved, with no chance of ever being with anyone. And I would always let that gets to me. It was like… Well, kind of like, the last assault on my mental health before spring and summer truly comes round, and after a long time battling depression and SAD and all that over the winter period… Yeah, it was just the last bit in the long dark months, just to make really sure that I was gonna be down and depressed for a long period of time through the spring and summer and all. And some years, I never really recovered so I was already feeling utterly down coming into the following winter. And those times… Yeah, let’s say they were really bad.

(Note: I’m not saying that Winter’s the main cause of depression – I’ve spoken about it before – but when it’s spring and summer, when it’s warmer and the day’s longer, I was at the very least about to just get out and about, be in the sun and just… not exactly feel better, but kind of almost able to forget and leave things behind for a while. With Winter, I do suffer from SAD, and that just kind of added to the general level of depression…)

But this time round… Well, I didn’t care that I’m still single. And I didn’t care about seeing other people being happy in love and all that. I’m happy to see them, especially when it’s people I know and care about, I’m always going “aww, that’s lovely!” (and I actually means that) and it’s a huge difference – even from last year.

No, honestly. People that knows me are remarking on just how different I am than I have been for… Well, for a very long time. One of them even said that I’m a total stranger. *lol* I’m really that different to the girl that they’ve knew for those years. It’s just the whole long period of depression and feeling like I wasn’t free to express myself, it had basically buried the real me for so long that… Yeah. Instead of the Angel that they’ve been used to, they’re now seeing the real Angel. And I hope they – and you – like the real me! *throws arms wide*

So… Instead of thinking about Valentine’s Day and wishing I had someone, because – like I said, I realised that I really need to work on myself and my mental health before I even start thinking about dating someone, and I know I’m nowhere near ready to do that, even with all the progress made in the last 9, 10 months (to be honest, I’d be surprised if I felt like I was ready before 2018 at the earliest – I still have a LOT of things to work through, even with all the progress made…) – I…

Well, to be honest, I didn’t really think about it – the 14th was just basically another day for me, but I’m not dumb, I could see people around me, and all the red hearts and everything else all around the place and on the TV…!

But reading tweets from some groups that I follows, and just the general level of where I am, it’s almost like I was unconsciously focusing on loving myself (honest, there’s still times when I look in the mirror and think bad thoughts about myself… In fact, and I think most people who suffers from depression gets this, but sometimes… I would pretty much have to cover up the mirror in this place because I just couldn’t look at myself. That’s how bad it was at times) and just generally being happy for friends and people I care about. Whether they’re together with someone, or single, I just automatically responded the way I felt… If they’re with someone, I was going, “Aww… You two are lovely! Hope you have a fantastic time!”, and if they were single and posted a picture of themselves, I was all, “Wow, you’re gorgeous!” (And it is so easy to say they’re gorgeous when they really are…)

(Well, the ladies, anyway… *hee* When it comes to guys, I’m really not interested. I’ll admit when there’s a guy that looks good – say, someone like Idris Elba, I think he’s pretty good-looking, but that’s really the extent of what I think. I honestly have zero interest in guys beyond being friends. Thankfully, most guys that I know are fine with that, and doesn’t try to change me or say I just haven’t met the right guy yet, or that I need a guy that’s good in bed *shudders at the thought* or anything like that…)

I know people still get guys saying those things. I’ve seen a few of the quoted tweets and the like from other ladies, and I can only shake my head at it all. I’d love to say it’s hard to believe that people still think that our sexual preferences are “a phase” or “Wrong” or “just haven’t met the right one yet” or whatever, but… Honestly, I’m not. Oh, things were getting better, yeah, at least in the eyes of the straight white people who don’t know what it’s like… But right now, we all know they’re starting to get worse again.

And, I know some of you would probably be saying, “What if Idris asked you out?” Well, my answer would be, “I’m flattered, but no. I’m a lesbian.” I have zero interest in being with any guy whatsoever.

Anyway… Going back to Valentine’s Day, like I say… I know it’s really for couples, but I totally support the various groups that wanted to let it be known that no matter who you are, or what’s your circumstances, it’s okay to love yourself, it’s okay to feel good about yourself.

I’ll tell you something… I’ve never had a Valentine. Again, most of my life, I was battling depression and everything else, and Februarys were always a bad month for me, so it’s not really a surprise that I’ve never had one (And, no… That’s not a cue for you to go out and get me some chocolates or anything else!).

But yeah, I’ve never had a Valentine, so… Maybe it’s just me always looking in from the outside, but my honest general feeling is… When you’re with that special someone, shouldn’t every day feel like a Valentine? I’m not saying you should always give chocolate or flowers or whatever every day, but I do think if you’ve got someone… Say I’m walking around the shops and I see something that I think my (hypothetical) girlfriend might like… But it’s not Valentine, or Christmas, or her birthday, or any kind of anniversary… Do you really think I’d just shrug my shoulders and go “Oh well”? No. I’d buy that and give it to her the next time I see her. And if she asks me what it’s for, I’d just say “I saw that and thought of you. Thought you might like it.” Doesn’t have to be for anything special. Let that special someone knows you’re thinking of them and that you appreciate them. Whether it’s gifts, or little text messages or something… Just let them feel happy in that knowledge that you love them.

I’m never ever gonna take anyone for granted. If the depression taught me one thing, it’s that I can’t take anyone for granted. I’ve lost a lot of friends and all through my depression and those that stuck with me… I don’t say it often enough but I really love them for sticking with me. Thank you! *hugs*

So, I actually disagree with Valentine’s Day on that front. But I can see the merits of a Valentine’s Day that’s all about just loving people. Friends, family, people you care about… Sometimes, we just don’t show that enough.

So… I wanna say, if you’re someone I know and proud to call a friend… *tight hug and kiss* I love you. Thank you for being a part of my life. And if you’re my bestie… You’re the best. Love you so so much and I miss you, and promise I’ll get that messager system sorted out on my tablet (again…) soon so that we can get back to chatting and all much more often again!

TV shows and adverts

Heya guys!

TV adverts are really rubbish, aren’t they? Yep, I’m coming right out and saying it. Most of the time, I can easily ignore it or fast forward through it (because I typically record the TV shows I wanna watch), but this time… I’m currently in the middle of watching “The Good Karma Hospital”, which is on ITV and it is the first time in a very long time – probably as long ago as Summer 2016, when the Euros was on, that I’ve actually watched anything on ITV. Mainly because absolutely none of the shows on ITV are any good, or they have some of the most despised people ever.

No, honestly, they do. I won’t mention names, because sometimes it feels like even the simpliest mention of their name will bring disaster crashing all around you.

But, anyway… TV adverts. Because I’m watching Good Karma Hospital straight away, I’m kind of basically writing this in the advert breaks, but it’s still on in the background and… Yeah. The “dancing” ones are probably the worst. I means, okay, sure I can’t dance to save my life (I know, I know, but honestly… Even if I could hear the beat – and yes, I can feel it – I still would basically dance like a headless chicken. On whatever drugs makes you hallucinate the most extreme images…), but those people… *shakes head* Just… Why? If you’re gonna have dancing people, at least try to find someone that actually has some moderate talent in dancing.

But then there are others. There’s this set of adverts – not on ITV, on Dave (Yes, there really is a TV station called Dave…), I think – where you have people basically gurning their faces. Not sure why people gurning is apparently a good way to sell your products, but, you know, whatever. And no, I have no idea whatever it is they’re selling.

Although, to be honest, I very rarely know whatever it is everything’s selling…

Going back to Dave, I find it a weird channel. I means, on the one hand you’ve got all those good comedy shows, you know, QI, Mock the Week, Have I Got News For You, etc, and then on the other you’ve got all those horrible tripe. Car shows, shows where people break into storage containers, etc, etc… Why do people even begin to watch them?

Whatever… I know I’m definitely not the right person that they’re aiming at. As far as I’m concerned, a car is just something that can hopefully take you from A to B. Having a show all about cars, with the chief misogynist? Yeah, it’s basically a show that would fit in well on ITV… *smh*

You can tell just how low I rate ITV, don’t you?? *grins*

Okay, the show’s just finished – not a bad second episode, but didn’t seems like there was anything major with it though. Just felt like it was basically a mismash of about 4 or 5 different small things going on, and it was just enough to make a episode. Still, I’ll definitely carry on watching next weekend. *nods*

But yeah, the show’s finished, and I’m tired, plus I do have work, so I’m gonna stop here for now. Hope to see you guys soon!

Boring and crazy week…

Heya guys! How goes things? I gotta tell you, this week has been both boring and crazy. Boring at work – most of the week was spent doing analysis work, which I know I can do – well, providing I actually have access to information. In this case, I didn’t have any, so I was basically working blind trying to work out how this whole system fits together. The SQL side of things, that’s relatively easy to work my way through – there’s only so many places where things get picked up and run and all that, after all – it’s the rest of it, outside. There’s at least a half-dozen external (to SQL) programs that calls particular parts of the SQL database, and from what I understand of it, some of the stuff is also external to the company as a whole, which means I have no way of being able to find out what they are, how they do it, the whole lot.


*shakes head* *sighs* I can do some analysis work, just like I can do some testing and the like, but I’m no expert. Still, thankfully, all the work I’ve done was then taken by the person who actually does analysis work for a living and he was able to write it all up and give me the start of the requirement specifications so I can start doing actual development work from Monday.

Just… Bleh. I think work has basically seen me put into the slot of covering for most positions in the development team. Not brilliant, but willing to actually give it a go, I think. Which is… well, a mixture, I imagine. In a way, it’s good that they’re asking me to do these things, but in another way, the fact they’re asking me means that I’m definitely not the first one that they thinks of when it comes to deciding who’s doing what… *lol*

Anyway… That was the boring bit. The crazy bit is that I made an offer on the house I went to see last weekend, and it got accepted. So, I’ve been e-mailing and going round to bank and estate agents and all to get things in motion. About the last real bit that I need to do in this initial phase is to get the information off to the solicitors and… Then it’s just a question of letting them get on with it.

No clue when I’m actually gonna get the house (or even if I will – yes, the offer’s been accepted, but there’s a long way to go from accepting the offer and exchanging the money…) but at the moment, I would guess it might be April at the earliest? These things do take time, after all…

But yeah… Until the transfer’s definitely taking shape, not gonna try and think about how I’m gonna set everything up. Dun wanna build it up and have it taken away from me.

This weekend, I’m gonna be filling in all the forms the solicitors sent me and sending it back. Hopefully it won’t take me too long to do… Forms… Have I mentioned how much I hate filling out forms? *lol*

Gotta wonder how I get through life don’t you?? 😀

Never mind… It’ll all get sorted out in the end. And, like I say, I’m gonna take my time over the weekend.

Anyway… I’m tired, and cold. I’m gonna go snuggle up in bed and have an early night. Write again soon!

Politics just gets worse…

Heya guys! How’s things going? Hopefully all’s going okay with you, even with all the disasterous news going on all over the place. Well, apart from some good news from Romania, where the people have protested against the government’s desire to save themselves from being charged with corruption…

If only we could do the same over here, and over in the USA, right? I’m actually really saddened by the latest human rights crime committed by the Tory party here in the UK. Deciding to stop letting in unaccompanied children after only 350 were let in – a far cry from the 3000 or so that they were “promising” at one time – well… Just disgusting, really.

I also applaud the Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow from saying that he would not invite “45” – I saw a really good tweet that made some actually really good suggestions about what’s to do with the events going on in the USA right now, and I’m gonna try and incorporate as many of those as I can, because I think it’s really important that we protest and make it abundantly clear that we are holding everyone at the Republican party for the actions of their current leadership. And the longer it goes on, the more everyone in the Republican party will realise that they have consistently done the wrong thing for most everyone in the USA. Apart from the rich white men, of course. But there’s a lot of people who aren’t rich, and a lot of people who aren’t white, and a lot of people who aren’t male. A lot more of those than the rich white men group.

Anyway, yes… I applaud John Bercow for saying he will not invite “45” to speak at the Houses of Parliament. But it is really telling that the people in Parliament that supported that statement are those that aren’t from the Tory party. Which tells you exactly what the Tory party holds dear.

And it’s not human rights.

No matter what they try to say, their actions are speaking far louder than their words are. Which goes to show that all the skepticism that was directed at May’s speech when she became the unelected Prime Minister was just proved correct. No-one took her seriously when she was trying to claim that she want the Tory party to be a party for all. All they care about are the rich white men. No wonder she and the Tory party wants to get on with the US Republican party. They think that the money will drown out the voices telling them how badly wrong they are.

Quite honestly, we need to do the exact same thing here in the UK against the Tory party, and against UKIP. Both of those political parties are basically the same, they will oppose human rights and discriminate against anyone that don’t meet their ideal of “rich, white, British” – and in most cases, you could add “male” to that as well.

Just… Bleh. It’s really kind of depressing sometimes that people just seems to be fooled by the demagogues of the far right groups.

And when you see the actions of what’s been happening in the USA – including the actions of some Republican states that were trying to ban peaceful protests – well…

Things really are getting much worse, and they’ll keep going worse before it’ll get better. We just have to keep opposing and standing up for human rights and fairness for all and equality and everything else, and not let them dictate to us or let them take away freedom and the like.

That’s the only thing we can do, and when it comes to elections, we need to make sure that we vote in our millions that their actions are as wrong as they comes.