I’m starting to recover from a period of feeling down. Honestly, it was just simply activating too many triggers, and watching something like “When Marnie was There” didn’t really help… *rolls eyes*
It was the first time that I saw it, and when I initially started watching it, I admit, I was kind of hoping for a completely different story to what it actually is. *lol* For a while, I was thinking (hoping!) it was gonna be more lesbian love than what it turned out to be – not suggesting for a moment that they were gonna do anything more than kiss or anything (especially since Anna, at least, is 12. Marnie for the most part is probably around that age as well), but certainly, my initial hope – let’s keep it at that – was that it’d be just a nice little romance story between someone who’s alive and someone who’s a ghost. (Don’t think I’m giving too much away – anyone who’ve seen the first part of it probably can guess that).
What it actually ended up, though… Hmm. It’s a nice story, but… Yeah, I was in tears by the end, and it really didn’t help my mood any. The ending for Anna was nice (even if I can’t really picture Anna’s reaction being like that, to be honest… It just didn’t feel right. Okay, she might’ve felt like she know more about herself, and where she’s from, but… Even so…), but that feeling of loss, of what happened with Marnie… Yeah.
My own fault, though. I really should’ve looked it up to make sure it’s something that I could actually watch.
I should’ve also noticed the fact it was a Studio Ghibli film. There’s a reason why I dun watch many Studio Ghibli films – it’s definitely not because of the art, or the stories, because I know how good they can be, but it’s more to do with the emotions. In a way, you could also say the same about quite a few of the Disney films.
Take Maleficent, for example, the first – and only – time I saw it, I was left with the feeling that it’s a really down story, the beginning and the end were fine, nice and cheerful, it was the rest of it, and it just kept pressing all the time. I realise I could be doing it an injustice, because it was midwinter when I saw it, and I was in the middle of my last severe depression, but I’m not gonna watch it again. Not unless I have a girlfriend I could cuddle up to and hold when all the down moments happens! *grins*
Anyway… Yeah, I’ve been down, but I’m starting to climb my way back up again.
Triggers… Hmm. In a way, I’m still finding out what they are. It’s definitely a lot to do with loneliness and abandonment and hmm… I was gonna say sadness, but I think it’s more to do with the heartbreaking kind of sadness, that kind of thing. Definitely that kind of emotion range.
And that’s why, despite my talking about what I’m gonna do when I have a girlfriend and everything else, I know I need to be ready for it. Because… Hmm… For example, if I go into a relationship with someone and this happens, say, my girlfriend’s gonna be away or busy for a few days or whatever, it’s really easy to feel like I’ve been abandoned and I need to be sure that if something like that happens, I can either cope with it, or (ideally!) don’t feel that way in the first place. And right now? I can’t say that. I can almost guarantee you that I’d be feeling lost and miserable and crying.
The fact that I’m writing this in the tailend of November should also tells you just how badly Winter and the short, gloomy, dark days can affect me… Perhaps, if I was writing this in like May or June or whenever, I might have a different reply, but I want to be able to give that different reply all year round.
So no matter how much I wish I could have a girlfriend and all that… I know I need to give myself more time to get my head right. *shrugs* Maybe I need to talk to someone about it, I dunno.
What else… Oh, my mum’s having an operation on Thursday. There’s a problem with her digestion system, so she’s not been eating very much. Think they said something like it was gallstones – they did tell me more, but I didn’t really pick up on it (being deaf). Hopefully, the operation will go without any problems. *nods*
At least it’s on the NHS, so we don’t need to worry about costs or anything…
And I say that because I have at least one friend in the USA who I know right now is having a bad time with health problems, and she’s almost certainly gonna be incurring a lot of costs, just so she can get better. I keep saying this, but healthcare is a basic right. It should never be something that people have to worry about being able to afford. It should not be something that’s only for the rich white males, as I know some people in the USA (and, sadly, with the Tories in the UK) wants it to be.
I just have to hope that everything will turns out for the best for everyone. And I need to make sure that I avoid any more triggers for now. *heh* Hopefully everything will be fine.
Okay… I’ll stop here for now, but I’ll write again soon. See you soon!